


the echo i created outlasted my last breath

by idlewheel



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2018-10-28 14:29:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10833183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idlewheel/pseuds/idlewheel
Summary: you age until you turn eighteen then you stop. you resume when you meet your soulmate. but what happens when amy's soulmate doesn't want to be with her? does she age alone? what happens to the others like her?





	1. 1

_i was screaming into the canyon at the moment of my death_

* * *

The air smells like strawberries. Amy scrunches her nose underneath her tightly wrapped scarf. She hates strawberries.

The wind whips around her and she shivers on the curb as she waits for Kylie to pick her up. It’s the coldest it’s been in years; no snow decorates the street but the wind blowing the trees bare was enough.

She wonders if she has enough time to get a scone from the coffee shop across the street or a nice warm coffee to draw.

She decides against it. Amy can see the long line extending outside and Kylie isn’t exactly the most patient. She was lucky she had found her soulmate two months after she turned eighteen. She didn’t have to wait three years, like Amy has so far. The longest documented time a person has gone without finding their soulmate was two hundred years.

Underneath her coat, she shivers. Two hundred lonely years. She doesn’t know what she’d do during those long years. Even now, at 21, she’s grown impatient. She doesn’t want to look eighteen forever and she doesn't want to have to wait for a soulmate for many lonely years.

Unfortunately for her, long waits for soulmates runs in her family. Her father had to wait fifty years for her mother. Her mother, a hundred.

Despite the cold air and the disgusting strawberry scented air, she’s had a pretty good day. First day of orientation at the Academy is the one thing she’s been looking forward to since she was six. Now, it’s finally here. One life goal crossed off. Now, there’s only one left.

Around her, couples walk hand in hand, others wrap their arms tightly around each other as they walk, shielding themselves from the frigid air.

Amy can’t help it and stares at the soulmates, envying the loving looks on their faces. She wonders how long they’ve waited. She wonders how long she’ll have to wait.

A young couple is side-eyed by many as they walk hand in hand. Amy can tell they’re Unmatched Singles. Unmatched Singles getting together with other Unmatched Singles were rare but not unheard of. She’d heard of many who, after years of waiting, chose to take manners into their own hands. Instead of waiting until their soulmate appeared, they found others and dated them, married them, and even had kids. Most of the time, these relationships ended in horrible ways. For example, one of them finding their soulmate and leaving the other heartbroken.

Her brother was one of them. He married an Unmatched at 27, only nine years after waiting. Her family was against the union but her brother did not listen to their complaints. Instead, he married Lisa and two years later, their baby Laura was born. A month after, at Laura’s one month checkup, Lisa found her soulmate in Dr. Bingham. Now, her brother raises little Laura alone, still Unmatched.

Amy doesn’t know what she’d do if she was in that position. The air howls loudly around her, agreeing. The solace that there was someone out there waiting for her was one of the things that pushed her forward.

 

She grabs her purse and begins rooting for that pack of gum she always carried. Mint, her favorite. As she unwraps it, she sees Kylie turning and approaching the curb.

The sweet taste of mint begins to warm her mouth when someone knocks straight into her. She drops her book back in surprise.

Amy swears and kneels down.

Amy grumbles silently and fixes her scarf, it falling a little as she knelt down. The assaulter still doesn't issue out an apology and instead hands Amy her favorite blue notebook, their fingers touching slightly. There was a shock and Amy jumps a little.

Amy raises her eyes from the blue sweatshirt they had on until it reached _his_ warm brown eyes.

The world shifted. It was just like her mom said; the world was brighter, shinier, better.

“Oh.” She said. His eyes widened significantly as he dropped the book onto the floor. Amy didn’t even notice still staring at him with the widest eyes.

He wore a ski mask, and his eyes refused to blink as he stared at her, probably mirroring the astonished look on her face. Amy prayed that her soulmate wasn’t a bank robber.

That would be life’s cruelest irony.

But then, just as she’s about to introduce herself, he stands and starts walking backwards, fixing his ski mask, making a little crop of blonde hair peek out. Amy reaches out her left hand towards him, her mouth sounding out voiceless words.

 _Wait_.

“I’m _so_ sorry.” He says his voice muffled.

“Wait-“she calls out but he turns and runs away from her. Amy drops her stuff and runs after him, the sound of her boots echoing in the street. She bumps against bodies, ignoring the complaints as she runs.

He runs until he reaches the corner, one last look thrown her way before he turns quickly.

She runs after him, only scarcely catching up to him but loses his bright hoodie amongst the crowd. She lowers her scarf, wincing at the cold wind, trying to get a better view of the busy street.

She stands there for a moment, waiting to see if she sees him again. A minute passes and she’s still standing, wondering _what now_.

The feel of Kylie’s hand on her shoulder startles her and she jumps.

“You okay? You left all your stuff on the floor.”

“I-I think my soulmate ran away from me.” She blinks, the words not wholly sinking in. He actually ran away from her. Kylie’s brow furrows and her eyes darken.

“What did he look like? I’m going to find him and kick his ass.”

Amy can’t even muster up a smile. Instead, she shrugs. “He-he was wearing a hoodie. A ski mask.”

“Oh.” Kylie watches the dumbstruck look on Amy’s face and her eyes soften. She raises Amy’s scarf until her mouth hides behind her scarf again. Amy shivers in the cold, her nails digging into her palms in her pockets. She wants to go home and sleep it off. Or cry for hours.

Although, she’s certainly going to do both.

“We can go around. See if we find him. He was probably just startled.” Kylie offers.

Amy looks down the street he disappeared through and she shakes her head. They’re never going to find him, the crowd is enormous.

“No. I-Let’s just go.” She shakes her head. “I want to go home.”

Amy walks back for her stuff, ignoring the burn of Kylie’s gaze on her back.

Kylie offers again and again to help her find him but Amy thinks there’s no reason to. He left; she’s got to get over it. Kylie still makes her sign up for a ‘Find Your Soulmate’ service. Amy does but only because Kylie doesn’t stop insisting. She doesn’t mention that she thinks it’s a scam. Kylie also tells her to stop by the café at least once, to see if he’s there looking for her, too. She chooses not to.

Unsurprisingly, the service never gets back to her and Amy loses the tiny sliver of hope she had left.

Instead, she focuses on the academy. She graduates top of her class and is transferred to the 72. Every time someone brings up searching for her soulmate, Amy changes the subject. Her soulmate wants to probably stay a Single, her soulmate probably wants someone else. Her soulmate probably already has someone else.

She remembers her niece and her brother.

She’s not going to destroy that.

The years are a little hard for her but she, at Kylie’s insistence, joins a Singles club. A club composed of sole Soulmates, like Matched that lost their soulmates to disease or death. In a lot of the meetings, they talk about their soulmates and a lot of the meetings end up with tears. She doesn’t have anything to share and instead listens as the others talk about their soulmates, about the love they had once shared.

The jealousy she feels surprises her. Their talks about feeling whole and fulfilled never resonate with her. When she was little her mother would describe the moment she met her father many times and Amy would listen, wide eyed and enchanted. When Amy met her soulmate, she felt one percent of what her mother felt. She felt one percent of what Lisa felt that made her leave Amy’s brother.

So, she excuses some of that jealousy.

In that club, she meets Teddy, a Matched who lost his soulmate to a tragic car accident. She’s very hesitant to date him but there’s something easy between them that makes her say yes after months of him asking. Teddy is never fully over his soulmate and she doesn’t blame him, even ten years after meeting her soulmate, she still has dreams of his eyes.

They’ve been dating for a year when she’s transferred over to the Nine-Nine. Their relationship deteriorates quickly due to the distance.

After Teddy, Amy doesn’t date for a while. She focuses on her new job and on Kylie’s upcoming wedding, to which she’s the maid of honor.

At her job, she gets along with everybody. There are several Singles there, like Rosa, who still hasn’t found her soulmate and Jake, who, in another rare case like hers, isn’t with his soulmate. She’s a little curious, wondering. What are the chances?

However, when Boyle is talking about how he met his soul mate, Jake pipes in and says his soulmate was some beautiful blonde boat show model. He doesn’t mention why they’re not together.

She lets out a little breath of relief. She doesn’t know what she’d do if she really was his soulmate. It’s not that he’s a horrible person but he’s so not...her type.

His soulmate-less state doesn’t mean that he doesn’t try to find other soulmates for other people. Or at least take credit for them. Which is exactly what he does when Rosa finds her soulmate in Gina, whom Jake helps get a job at the precinct.

“I’m like cupid.” Jake says, a dopey grin on his face, when Rosa and Gina walk hand in hand the next morning. He mimics a bow and arrow and points a fake arrow at Amy. He shoots. Then, he points one at Hitchcock, shoots. “Matched.”

Hitchcock looks a little smug. “I always knew something would happen between me and Amy.”

“Ugh.” Amy groans and walks to the break room, taking her coffee with her. Jake follows behind her.

“What are you complaining about? I set you up with Hitchcock.” He says. “Or did you want Scully?”

“Not that it matters, but you didn’t set Rosa and Gina up, you just introduced them.”

He shrugs. “Same thing.”

“Not exactly.”

“Fine. Think you’re better than me at setting people up?”

“I’m not playing this game.”

“Fine. I bet you thirty bucks on me finding someone for you by the end of the day.” He offers. Amy snorts.

“You probably don’t even have three dollars.”

“Wrong. I have four.” Amy sighs, takes a sip of her coffee. She’s got to admit, it’s pretty enticing. Not the whole matching thing but the bet and the rubbing it in Jake’s face. She’s always down to humiliate Jake.

And okay, maybe the date is a tiny bit enticing, too. She hasn’t gone on a proper date in months. Most of the Singles that she’s met want to sleep around. Amy is not against that but it’s been a really long while since she’s been in actual relationship.

She misses it.

“Fine.” Jake raises his eyebrows.

“Wait, really?” His expression turns giddy automatically.

“Yes.” She says and sets her mug on the table, crosses her arms in a way that means she means business. “ _But_ , I have rules.”

“Of course.” He nods and grins, as if already anticipating them. He rubs his hands wickedly.

“Number one, he can’t have any tattoos. Number two, none of your strange friends from under the bridge. Number-“

“What?”

“Yeah, like Steve.” She scrunches her nose.

“He doesn’t _live_ under the bridge, Amy.”

“He hangs out there and that’s enough.” She crosses her arms. “Number Three, nobody from work. Things get awkward and messy afterwards and I don’t need that.”

He sighs. “You’re making this hard but…I got this.”

“Wait, really?” he nods.

“I told you I’m good at this.” He says and grabs his phone from his pocket. He starts furiously typing in numbers, ignoring the girl who is already regretting it.

“Okay, well...” she trails off her but he’s not even listening to her anymore. So, she walks away.

She spends the next two hours finishing up paperwork and watching Jake, who has locked himself in the break room. She thinks he’s taking this too seriously and wonders if he really is that much in debt to worry about $30.

She’s back from lunch when she sees him sitting beside her desk, a giddy smile on his face. He doesn’t even wait until she’s off the elevator to bounce up to her and say, “This Friday. Eight PM. That Italian restaurant on the corner where that homeless man puked all over your shoes.”

Amy scrunches her nose at the memory. “You followed the rules?”

“Yes.” He nods. “Even the ones you didn’t mention.” At her questioning look he adds, “He uses proper punctuation and grammar in texts.”

Amy rolls her eyes. “Yay.” Her expression turn serious for a moment. She hopes Jake hasn’t set her up with an Unmatched. Jake shakes his head, his eyes understanding.

“He’s a Single.” She sighs, relieved, and nods.

“Okay, I’ll be there.”

* * *

Amy walks into Shaw’s, silently fuming. The whole night had turned into a shit show. First, he was thirty minutes late. Then, he kept looking over his shoulder every few seconds, as if anticipating somebody or something. After thirty minutes of dealing with that, his eyes almost popped out of his head and he hid under the table. A large muscular man searched around the restaurant as he explained to her that the man was his loan shark. A loan shark that he owed a lot of money to.

When he finally resurfaced, she said she was going to go. He agreed and proceeded to follow her outside, where they found the man waiting outside.

He dragged her back in and made them leave through the server’s entrance.

“I hate you.” she says to Jake as she passes him on her way to the bar. He’s sitting with Rosa and Gina, drinking a beer.

“Woah!” he says, running after her, drink in hand. Amy tosses her purse on the bar top and sits on the stool. Her knee bounces up and down a little. Jake sits next to her, his face cautious.

“Hey...” he says, pokes her arm. She glares at him, the earlier embarrassment still fresh on her mind. He winces a little. “Sorry. I promise that I didn’t know it was going to be that bad.”

“Jake, he made us leave through the backdoor. We passed the garbage cans and I’m pretty sure I stepped on a rat. Or even killed one; it was very dark.”

“On the plus side, you did something you’ve never done before. “She glares at him and he sighs. “Look, how can I make this better? Hitchcock is still available if you’re interested.”

“No, leave me alone, Jake.” she shoos him away but he purses his lips and stays.

After a moment, he says, “Look, I know how hard it is to date when you’re a Single. Especially, you know, making a long lasting bond with someone.” Amy turns towards him gently, surprised at the vulnerability in his voice. He doesn’t meet her eyes. She waits, thinking he’s going to delve further into whatever he was talking about. Instead, he circles the rim of glass, staring intently into the foam.

“Yeah, the last guy I seriously dated would cry about his soulmate for hours. Especially in the middle of the night.” she says. Jake straightens up, abandoning his somber tone for a challenging one.

“Oh, yeah? Gina set me up with one of her dance troop friends and she insisted on calling me by soulmates name during sex.”

“Ew!”

“I later saw a picture of him and we have the same eyes.”

“Please tell me you ran out as fast as you could.”

“I...” he trails off and Amy shudders beside him. He shrugs.

“Oh, my god.” she says, disgust tinging her voice. Jake grins beside her and Amy automatically finds herself smiling back.

“Forgiven?”

“Eh, eighty percent but that’s only because I feel sorry for you. I mean, how long were you with her?”

“A few months.” At her look he adds, “In my defense when you’re a Single whose soulmate has abandoned you, you kind of take what you can get.”

“Yeah, I get it.” she says. “At least you got _some_ time with your soulmate; mine left me.”

“Well, that makes two of us.” Amy raises her eyebrows, surprised. Jake never fully explained what happened between his soulmate and him. At her look, he sighs. His finger circles the edge of his glass, emitting a long, low note. “She didn’t want anything to do with me.” He shrugs.

“We’re gonna die alone.” she says.

“Yep.”

There’s a moment of silence. “Look, I’m not that mad about tonight. I was actually hoping it would fail so I could rub it in your face.”

“And I was hoping it wouldn’t so I could rub it in _your_ face.” he says playfully but then his face settles down, returning to it's seriousness. “I know how you feel. You know, about all these people who have found their soulmates and you know, being their second choices. Don’t we deserve better than that?”

“Yeah, we do.” She nods, her voice soft. The bar lights shine above Jake, illuminating his face. He has this look on his eyes that makes something warm bloom in Amy’s stomach. Something warm like the way the flowers must feel at the first burst of sun, blooming and ready.

She tries to search for answer but fails. Instead, she looks away.

He coughs awkwardly, turning away, too. The bar is loud with voices and music. Gina has cleared most of the tables from the middle and she dances in the middle like a flagrant peacock. Rosa cheers from the sidelines. Boyle and Kevin are in a deep discussion over what brand of pesto is the best. Beside them, Captain Holt plays moderator.

They wouldn’t notice if she left. And she really wants to.

“I’m going to go.” She says, slinging her purse over her shoulder. She can't wait to get home and sleep it off. Start a brand new day where she doesn't shave her legs for a night of hiding from loan sharks.

"Want me to walk you out?" he asks and if she didn't know better, she'd think he was nervous. Little breaths collapse from his mouth as he awaits her answer.

The words seemed frozen within her and all she can do is nod.

She doesn’t even give him enough time to jump off the stool before she starts walking.

She listens as he scrambles off the stool and almost runs after her.

There’s a whoosh of hot, humid air that hits her face as she walks out of the bar. It’s the hottest it’s been in months and the humidity sits around the atmosphere like a thick, dense cloud.

“God, it’s hot.” He says but doesn’t take his jacket off.

“Looks like it’s about to rain.” She says, motioning over to the grey clouds circling the sky like vultures ready to attack.

The walk to her car is silent, the words thought out but not said, weighing heavy. Amy pushed them aside as she walked.

But, the night was still, everything listened. It was the calm before the storm.

Her car gleams under the night stars and Amy stands beside it, her keys twisting around her fingers. All Jake can do is stare. There's a little patch on his cheek that he didn't shave that becomes bathed in moonlight when he turns to the floor, avoiding her eyes. 

"Want me to give you a ride home?" she doesn't know what prompts this question or why the look in Jake's face makes butterflies erupt in her stomach.

She doesn’t mention that his car sits a little farther from hers. She also neglects to mention the fact that his apartment is at least a thirty minute ride away from hers.

Jake doesn't either. Instead, he nods and forgets that his car's windows don't go up and his car is going to be a wet mess in the morning.

“Yes, please.” he says instead.

“Jump in.” she replies, the butterflies in her stomach now almost coming out of her mouth.

* * *

The moon hangs in the sky, big and heavy, as if weighed down by the water that is to pour. It makes everything silver, lining it with melted platinum. Jake’s hair looks highlighted silver and Amy yearns to touch it. His fingers tap on his lap and he turns to her, waiting.

She’s kind of regretting all this. She wishes she had gone home and instead watched “Crazy, Stupid, Love” and ate ice cream until she fell asleep.

But most of all, she’s regretting it because she has no idea what to do next.

But, when Jake says, “Walk me up?”, she regrets regretting it.

Her shoes slosh one of the puddles outside of his building, ruining the suede. Amy can't find it within herself to care, the giddiness continuing as they walk up his stairs.

By the time they reach his apartment, they’re out of breath.

He drops his keys twice and it takes him two minutes to unlock the door but this _thing_ inside of Amy doesn't stop.

When the door closes behind them, there’s a brief moment where they stare at each other. Their eyes roam their faces, both of them trying to decipher the spark of _something_ whirring between them. There hasn't been a proper talk between them but the look in his eyes says more than any talk ever will.

It’s been a long time since Amy has done this and by the looks of Jake’s shaking hands, him, too. So, she decides to make the first move. She steps forward at the same time he does.

They let out an awkward chuckle, all that earlier forwardness gone.

Another step and now there’s only a few feet between them. This time there is no awkward laugh. He grabs her hand and at the very first touch of their skin, that awkward cloud melts away.

Suddenly, it’s a flash of bodies pressed flush against the other. It’s a flash of thunder striking Amy that leaves her shaken to her core. The time their lips meet, the buzzing in Amy's ears quiets and the taste and feel of him envelops her.

Her brain is whirring as he leads her to his room. She trips over her feet at times but that doesn’t make her open her eyes as he kisses her. It doesn’t stop her from grasping at his arm.

She doesn’t even notice that they’re in his room until her knees hit the edge of his bed. She lowers herself, not letting him go.

He doesn’t let her go either, his arm pillowing her fall.

That dizzying feel on her mind doesn’t leave as he kisses her. It doesn’t leave as he quickly unzips her dress and tosses it to the floor in a pile of powder blue.

He presses his mouth to hers and swallows down her complaints of how her dress is going to wrinkle in the floor. It’s been awhile since she’s been kissed like this and she shivers when their naked skin presses against the other.

Outside, the rain starts to fall in big, heavy drops.

* * *

“So, we broke a rule.”

Amy doesn’t reply, her shoulder brushing against his as she breathes. It still hasn’t hit that she’s here in bed-- with him. Usually after she does something reckless, there’s a little flicker in her stomach, a warning. Now, it’s not there.

She closes her eyes and searches for it. She can’t believe she broke her stone rules. Rules that weren’t stone after all, but small and as fragile as paper.

Jake shifts besides her, craning his neck to look over at her. She feels the burn of his gaze on her face and she struggles to keep her eyes closed.

When her eyes open, she meets his. There’s a spark of something in his eyes and when he blinks, it’s gone. The dimness in his face bothers her and she shakes off the comforter.

“I…should get dressed.”

She finds her dress on the floor, wrinkled, like she thought it was going to be. She slips it on but her hands shake as she tries to zip it up. She feels Jake’s gaze on her, following her every move. It makes her nervous and self-conscious in ways he has never before.

She tries to lighten the mood and says, “Regretting it already?” but it does everything but that. Jake jaw clicks and he plays with the edge of the comforter. She clears her throat, looking everywhere but him. She finds her shoes at the edge of the room and slips them on easily. The suede is ruined, the nude now a blotchy brown.

“So…” Amy looks over at him to find him rising on his elbows, a dangerous glint in his eye saying that he’s going to make a very dumb comment. She knew his serious attitude was short lived.

“When am I going to get my thirty bucks?”

Amy can’t help it and snorts loudly, giggles blossoming within her. She doesn't know why she finds that particular comment hilarious. Maybe it's cause it's two am and her second best shoes are useless now. Or perhaps it's because he actually thinks that he did a good job. Or maybe she’s just glad there’s no awkwardness between them. That’s what she was fearing the most. 

Jake frowns at her from the bed. “What’s so funny? I’m basically your wish personified.”

“Right.” Amy rolls her eyes.

Jake drops back on the bed, grinning widely. Now that mood is lighter, she sits at the edge of the bed.

“Zip me up.” He pushes her hair to the side and zips her up, his fingers lingering a little on her back. Amy shivers. 

Afterwards, when she tries to stand, he grabs onto her arm, halting her. He kisses her slowly and Amy almost melts onto the bed, her eyes closing and focusing solely on the taste of him..

He pulls away and Amy licks her lips, still tasting him.

“Do _you_ regret it?” he asks, his voice serious again. Amy stands, grabs her keys from the floor.

“I should go.”

Jake is quiet from the bed but then he says, “Yeah, me neither.”

Amy pretends she didn't hear.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the building

On the car ride home, it all hits Amy at once, a wave that makes her pull into a random parking lot. A wave that makes her smoke three shame-cigarettes in the darkness of her car.

She actually slept with Jake. That actually happened.

She still smells him on her and she still feels the ghost of his hands on her. She stays up for hours, these treacherous thoughts drilling in her head.

Next morning at work, she hides in the bathroom for as long as she can. She hears him around the precinct, laughing and talking with Boyle. She stays away from her desk and only returns when she needs her special signing pen. But, it's always when he isn't there.

She manages to avoid him for three hours but he corners her when she’s making copies.

“Hey.” She jumps at the sound of his voice, the originals crinkling as she hugs them to her chest. He’s standing at the door, hands to his hips. She can tell that he's faking nonchalance by the way that his hands tighten as she looks at him.

“Hey.” She straightens out the originals as much as she can but her hands shake as she presses the buttons on the copier. Jake stands by the door a moment more and then clears his throat, the only sound in the otherwise quiet room.

“So…how are you?”

“Good. Busy.” Her voice sounds strange to her ears and she cringes, glad all he sees is her back.

“Same.” There’s a beat of awkward silence, the whir of the machine fills the air as it begins to spit out the copies. Amy, now unoccupied, gradually turns towards him.

 _Be normal, Amy_. She thinks but one glance at his face lets her know that she isn’t the only one telling herself that.

Jake lets out a breath of air, rolls his eyes.

“Look, it's obvious that something happened last night.” He begins. “We…had sex.” He says like it's nothing, the words falling rapidly but his throat bobs with nervousness.

“Yeah. We did. For reals.” Her hands play with her badge on her belt loop. Simply hearing the words said out loud makes something burst inside her. That actually happened. That wasn’t a dream.

“For reals, reals.” He adds. There’s one more beat of awkward silence before he sighs, dropping his hands from his hips. “Look, I don’t want thing to be awkward between us.”

“Yeah.” A small gust of air leaves her mouth in relief. “Neither do I." There's an alleviated tone in her voice.

“So, we saw each other’s butts. No big deal!” he shrugs.

“Lots of coworkers go back to normal after they sleep together. It's like whatever.”

“My thoughts exactly!” He replies. “So, this _thing_ doesn’t have to be weird, right?”

“No.” she shakes her head, lips quirking up. Jake mirrors her look. “It was a one-time thing. It won’t happen again.”

“So, can we go back to normal now?"

“Definitely.”

* * *

It wasn't like they planned it but soon enough, it was Thursday night at Shaw's and once again, they were in those two stools. It was a celebratory drink. Jake and Amy had closed the unsolvable Burr case.

Afterwards, at Shaw's, they realized that everybody had partnered up and left them, like they tended to do. Amy never realized just how much time her and Jake spent together. But, now, she realizes that every week her at Shaw's ends with the both of them in those two stools.

There's an uncomfortable air between them, an air that has circled them since that night. When working on the case, they pushed that aside but now that it's over, they notice it more than ever. It's become too thick to ignore and Amy fears it's going to choke them both.

He meets her eyes and Amy almost shivers.

"Good job today, Detective." He says, one of his hands resting on her arm. His touch blisters her skin and Amy shivers.

"Good job, Detective." she repeats. She glances behind her, but the squad is talking among themselves. "I should go."

"Yeah, me, too. I'll walk you out." She stands and Jake's hand glides down her arm until it grabs her hand. She follows after him eagerly.

When they make it out, he sloppily kisses her and presses her to a random car on the street. Amy's stunned for a second but then she kisses him back. She can taste the alcohol in his breath and the four drinks she had affect her, too. She starts to peel off his jacket. The whole squad could walk out right then and there and she would care less.

"Whoa. Wait." he says, pulling back. He sees her dilated eyes under the streetlights and he swallows thickly, Adam's apple bobbing. "Come on. My car is that way."

And that's how she finds herself three hours later pressed against him under her bed sheets.

The next Tuesday, his hand snakes onto her thigh and squeezed once. Amy eyes widen but she doesn't say anything as his thumb strokes the inside of her thigh. He leaves before her, when Amy squeezes his hand under the bar top.

Amy follows seven minutes later and finds him in his car. He kisses her as soon as she steps into it. Amy knows that it's a slippery slope but she doesn't want it to stop. And judging by how fast Jake is driving, neither does he.

 

* * *

“We have to have rules.” She says after the fifth week, when they’re tangled in his bed. Her pants are thrown on the floor and her post-bun hair tickles his face as she gazes down at him. There's a smudge of leftover lipstick on the edge of his mouth and she rubs it with her thumb. Jake turns his head and kisses her palm.

“Lay it on me.” He looks kind of silly: hair mussed and shirt halfway unbuttoned but Amy hides her smile. It was obvious to her that it wasn’t going to stop, and she needed to get everything in check before it continued.

“Number one: No one from work can know about this.”

“Okay. I agree with that. I have a reputation to uphold.”

“Number two: No Die Hard quoting, during or after.”

“Fine. I’ll quote the second one.”

“Not the second or the third.”

"You just want me to quote the fourth one? This is torture.”

Amy rolls her eyes. “No Die Hard, Jake.”

“Fine.” he replies. Amy leans down to kiss him but he stops her, palm to her face. “I have one in return.”

“Okay.” He pulls away from her, eyebrows furrowed in a silly way.

“You’re not allowed to fall in love with me.” Amy snorts and Jake grins.

“Won’t be a problem.”

* * *

They never sleep in the same bed, Amy choosing her own warm bed and for the most part it stays like this.

Until, three weeks in, it changes.

“Maybe…” he begins and Amy raises her head from the pillow. Jake is staring at the ceiling, at the glow-in-the-dark stickers he swears were there when he moved in. Amy knows better. (She can see the little John McClane jumping off a starry Nakatomi tower.) He looks almost shy.

“What?” she asks after a moment.

“Maybe you could stay the night.” This surprises her.

“ _Oh_.”

He stiffens beside her. “Never mind. It’s dumb.” He turns away from her and though the distance between them is less than a few inches, it feels like miles. Amy stares at his back; there’s a cluster of birthmarks on his back and Amy traces them with her eyes, connecting the dots. She hesitates for a second.

In the end, the prospect of a warm bed, opposed to a cold bed in a quiet apartment, is the better option. At least that's what she tells herself.

Her finger traces over those freckles and he shivers, skin blossoming with goosebumps. He stays still, not wanting to disrupt the astronomical adventures on his skin. She wants to curl up close to him, to feel him pressed against her as she drifts to sleep.

It feels like she's crossing a big, red line. The warning signs in her head blares in the quiet apartment, unheard to all but her.

But she ignores that as she aligns herself closer to him. One of Jake’s hands reaches over for hers and Amy lets him. She gazes at the way the moonlight illuminates him and finds herself enveloped with warmth.

The next morning, when she wakes up, she realizes that that’s the best night sleeps she's had in months.

* * *

The temperature starts to drop gradually and Amy chooses to sleep in Jake's bed more and more. Until, one day she notices that she hasn't been in her apartment in days. She realizes this as she opens one of the two drawers she has at his apartment.

Things between them stay secret at work—she always makes sure that Jake walks in six minutes after her. Even after work, he waits for her two blocks away in his car.

Jake gets assigned a huge case with Rosa and Amy doesn’t see him for days. She feels strange being in his apartment when he isn’t home so she returns to hers.

After a week of only catching glimpses of him, he comes over to her apartment and crawls into bed with her. She’s startled by the feel of him against her at two in the morning but he’s shaking, pressing himself so tight to her, she’s afraid she’s going to burst.

He carries the cold night air with him, and she shivers as she lets herself be hugged. She lies awake for hours until he drifts into an uneasy sleep, shoes and jacket still on.

The next morning, she awakes to an empty apartment and a note scrawled on an old receipt for milkshakes. He apologizes in his messy-scrawl and promises that it’ll never happen again. But the next week, when they find the body, he crawls into bed with her again, presses his cold body to hers and lets her warm him. That happens for three nights straight. During the fourth night, Amy is already awake and waiting. He opens the door to her room, stunned to find her awake and ready. Amy just holds out her arms and he crumples and folds himself into her.

* * *

Its three months later, when her and Jake are curled up against one another, that he asks, “Do you think you’ll ever meet your soulmate again?”

The question takes her by surprise.

“I...don’t know.” She answers sincerely. She had all figured out that she was going to die alone.

Jake is quiet for a second. “I hope I don’t.” he mutters into her neck and Amy shivers both from the warmth of his breath and the reality of his words.

She isn’t sure that she wants to either.

* * *

The first person to find out about her and Jake is her mother. She stops by one morning and catches him eating cereal in her kitchen, hair still dripping from the shower.

“Hello.” Rosario Santiago says slowly, wondering who this strange man eating chocolate cereal is. Jake raises one hand, waves, mouth full of cereal. He knows who this is. She looks exactly like Amy; she even has that little wrinkle in her eye that Amy gets when she's confused.

“-and don’t forget about Gina’s birthday dinner.” Amy says, walking into the kitchen, paying no attention to her mother. "Did you buy her present? Please tell me you didn't-"

“Amy.” Her mother interrupts and Amy stops mid-speech.

"Mom!" Amy hugs her mother quickly, glares at Jake over her mother's shoulder. “What are you doing here?”

“Came to see how you’re doing.” Her mother replies, eyeing Jake. Amy laughs awkwardly, hoping to draw her mother’s attention away from Jake but her mother's eyes remain on him.

They remain on him long enough for Amy to start feeling that little bubble of nervousness. “Obviously well.” Rosario says, with a slight rise of her eyebrows.

Amy cringes. Behind her mother, she raises her eyebrows at Jake. _Get out of here as fast as you can_.

Jake nods slightly and throws his bowl into the sink.

“I should go. I’m going to be late for work.”

“Right.” Amy replies but she knows that Jake doesn't work today. She also knows that their plan to get lunch and then binge the last three Harry Potter movies is now cancelled.

Amy knows her mother well enough to decipher the look in her eyes as a sign that she's going to be here for a long while.

Jake grabs his keys from the table and nods towards Amy's mom. "Great to meet you, Mrs. Santiago."

Amy’s mom smiles at him and then he’s gone. The sound of his footsteps echoes into the quiet apartment.

Amy feels like she's fifteen and her mother caught her sneaking a boy into her room. Her cheeks are flushed red and her hands ache for something to do. She starts washing Jake's used bowl.

The sound of the chair screeching as her mother sits surprises her.

“You know, I had someone.”

Amy almost drops the plate. This is news to her. Her mother never spoke about what she did during those hundred years she waited for Amy’s father. When Amy was little, she pictured her mother like Rapunzel, staring for years out a window. Her mother's dreams would be filled with a gallant prince climbing up the terrace of her tower and taking her to her happy ever after.

Now, she has her answer.

“Oh.” Amy replies and begins drying the plate.

“His name was Luis. He was handsome with big brown eyes and a smile that could warm with one single look.” Amy turns at this and her mother scoffs. “Don’t give me that look. A hundred years is a long time and it was fifty years before your father.”

"What happened to him?" Amy asks, lifting on her tip toes to put the plate away.

"He met his soulmate."

Amy turns quickly. "I thought he was-"

"He wasn't." She shakes her head. "Your brother isn't the only one who was hurt."

"I'm sorry, mom."

Amy's mom shakes her head, pushing away Amy's words. "I knew what it would end as." she says. "Fifty years is a long time and I got lonely. It was my own fault."

Amy fidgets for a second. "Jake is like me." she doesn't know why she says this or why her voice sounds so defensive. "His soulmate left him." Amy's mom raises her eyebrows. "He was twenty-five when it happened."

"And he hasn't seen her since then?"

"No."

Amy's mom's eyes roam around her face, disdain coloring her features. Amy knows that look and she knows that she isn't going to like what she has to say.

Amy's mom sighs before speaking, "I understand if you're feeling empty--I know I did. And I understand having _fun_." Amy feels her ears turning red. "But this man-"

“Jake.” She says automatically.

“This _Jake_ can hurt you.”

“You never told me this when I was dating Teddy.” She replies, a little guarded. Amy’s mom shakes her head.

"Teddy lost his soulmate; your heart wasn’t on the line. Now, it is.” Rosario says. “Not to mention, you’re my daughter and you go above everybody else.”

Amy nods. She understands where her mother is coming from and she absolutely hates it but she's right. What's happening between them isn't a relationship per say but would it be heart-wrenching if he found his soulmate tomorrow?

Yes. Amy’s used to spending every single moment with him and if he left out of the blue, she’d be heartbroken.

“You’re right.”

Her mother smiles, stands and tucks a piece of hair behind her ear.

"The wait is going to be worth it. I promise."

* * *

Jake calls her three hours later, five minutes after her mom walks out of her apartment.

“Hey, we still on?" Amy can hear the traffic from her steet onto the phone. She peeks over the window and sees him sitting in his car on the other side of the street. He actually waited. Something warms in her chest. Something that breaks when she remembers what her mother said.

"No, I have a case to work on." she lies.

"Oh." Jake knows she's lying, his voice makes it obvious. He hesitates and Amy closes her eyes, bracing herself. “Right.” He clears his throat. “I’ll go home. I think there’s an 80’s movie marathon on right now.”

“Yeah.” She says . She isn’t sure what else to say. All she can do is stand by the window.

“Right.” He says again, clearing his throat for a second time. "Okay. Well, see you at work."

“Bye.”

She watches from her window as Jake sits in his car for a few minutes more. He drafts what looks like a message and then shakes his head, throwing his phone onto his passenger seat. He turns on his car after a moment more.

She walks away before he drives away and misses the wistful glance he sends to where she stood.

She spends the rest of the day checking her phone for messages or calls.

* * *

After that, it’s easier to stay away from him. There’s an advancement in that case he’s working on with Rosa and he’s so busy following leads and processing the case that he’s hardly at the precinct. It's like that for two weeks and then, he corners her in the evidence room.

"Did I do something?" he asks. Amy glances towards the door, hoping for an easy exit. "Did your mother tell you anything about me?"

"No, Jake. I've just been busy." She takes a step to the left but he grabs onto her arm.

"Really?" His voice is soft, delicate and Amy nods. 

“I promise.” He nods, but he still looks doubtful.

Amy stiffens a little when he leans down to kiss her but her eyes flutter at the proximity of his warmth.

The blaring of her mother's words and the brutal reminder that the only way this could end is bad, is not enough for her to push him away.

He presses his lips to hers. This, these goosebumps that overtake her body, and the erratic beating of her heart, are why Amy ignores her mother’s words.

He pulls away and Amy licks her lips, still tasting him. And that, that look in his eyes is why she tells herself that one more night wouldn't hurt.

* * *

She doesn't know why she thought his apartment was going to look different but it looks exactly the same. There’s still that faux leopard skin throw that Gina gave him for his birthday last year. There’s still that white fridge filled with old notes and pictures of Jake’s mom and grandmother. 

Her thoughts are disrupted as when he grabs her. She tries to memorize it all because if her night goes according to plan, she’s not going to return.

He kisses her slowly and Amy closes her eyes, memorizing every single thing, savoring every single heartbeat. Their kisses slowly turn from soft to hurried and pretty soon they’re pressed against his bed. 

"Amy?" he asks.

"Hmm?" Amy asks, not paying attention. Her fingers quickly undo his shirt, toss it on the floor. There's a burning heat in her stomach and with every touch of his skin to hers, the fire intensifies.

She kisses down his neck, while Jake still tries to get her attention.

"Amy." he says again and kisses her languidly. Amy shivers under him, one of her hands resting on his cheek. Jake pulls away, pecks her lips again. His eyes are so warm that she could melt into them. “I love you.” He blurts out, the words falling thickly from his mouth and into her. It's like a bucket of cold water has been dropped on her.

Amy stiffens under him, her hands falling from his face. Jake rolls off of her and Amy sits up, clearing her throat as she holds her shirt closed. One of the buttons has come loose and she rips it off, rolls it between her fingers.

Jake is still waiting a reaction or perhaps he’s waiting for her to say those words. He sighs.

“Kind of a weird time to say it, huh?”

Amy doesn't know why she thought that one more night wouldn't hurt. Amy doesn't know what to do now.

"You don’t mean it.” she says as an explanation.

“What?” he shakes his head. “I do, I do mean it.” He lays his hand on her thigh and Amy stiffens. He lifts it quickly. “I know that I said it at an awkward time but I've been thinking it all this time."

"Days?" she asks, but knowing the answer. The way he said, he'd have to be thinking it for a long, long time for it to come with such fluidity.

"Months." Amy lets out a small gust of air.

Jake swallows thickly at the look on her face and shakes his head.

“Let’s forget I said it.” He says and laughs awkwardly, rolling on top of her again. He presses her mouth to hers and kisses her again. Amy tries to but she can’t. She feels strange, like she’s using him. Jake notices how one-sided their kisses are and tries even harder.

He kisses down to her throat, almost desperately. Amy stares up at the ceiling at those glow-in-dark stars that she’s stared at many times. At the small constellation that she had set up in the corner of the room.

The feeling in her stomach doesn’t go away.

“Jake.” She calls out. “Stop.” Jake lets out a breath on her neck, making goosebumps appear on her skin.

He rolls off of her slowly, until they’re shoulder to shoulder. There’s a beat of silence.

“I need some time to think.” She explains as she buttons up her shirt, the extra button she was holding in her hand rolling onto the floor and under his dresser.

Jake chuckles, shakes his head. “No, you don’t.”

“Jake-“

“You either feel it or you don't. ” He rises on his elbows. It reminds her of that first night together, when he stared at her from the bed and Amy is filled with nostalgia. Jake shrugs. "And you don't. I wasn't expecting you to but I-I just had to say it. You deserved the right to know." His eyes soften. “I love you.” He says again. Amy blinks back tears, already seeing the ending being written.

Already seeing the broken shards of her heart on the floor.

“I just need some time to think.” she says again, grabbing her keys from the floor. Jake drops off his elbows onto the bed. He’s staring at the constellation in the corner of the ceiling when the door closes after her.

* * *

For the first time in all her years as a detective, Amy calls in sick. She lies in bed for the whole day, Jake's words repeating over and over in her head. _Love_.

Amy can't remember the last time someone said that to her. Someone that wasn't her family, that is. Teddy and Amy had said it to one another but that always felt inauthentic--off. So, they stopped after a while.

But, the way that Jake had said to her, the way that he had confessed, was nothing like the way that Teddy had said to her.

Her brother texts her at five in the afternoon. Offers to meet her for coffee at that café close to his job. Amy almost wants to say no but she has been craving a blueberry muffin for weeks.

And Amy knows that if she said no, he’d be knocking on her door in two minutes.

* * *

"Mom told me you have a little boyfriend."

"He was never my boyfriend." she says back, taking a bite of her muffin.

"Just someone who took showers at your apartment, then." Amy glares at him. He chuckles. "Did she tell you about Luis?"

"Wait? You know about that?"

"Of course. She told me when I met Lisa.She wouldn't stop bringing him and his big, brown eyes up." Her brother rolls his eyes, looking like a sassy eighteen year old that he was not. Laura was fifteen and almost looked her father's age. Soon enough, they were going to look more like siblings than father and daughter.

"Think you'll wait a hundred years like her?" Amy asks.

Her brother shrugs. "Probably."

"Do you...regret it?" she asks, hoping not to offend her brother. Enrique rolls his eyes.

"Do I regret some of the best years of my life? Do I regret my smart-ass daughter? Do I regret looking like a sleek eighteen year old opposed to an old ass mid-forty year old?" He asks. "No. Definitely not."

Amy nods, tearing a piece of her muffin chewing it, not really tasting it.

"Now, I can't speak for Lisa. Does she regret those years with me? I don't know. Probably. But I don’t let that bring me down." Her brother shakes his head. "What keeps me going is my daughter and the fact that those years happened. And the fact that when my soulmate appears, I'll have years like that multiplied by a hundred."

“And me?” she asks, her voice is tiny, delicate. “You think I’ll have years like those?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Probably not.” He shrugs. “Are you going to spend the rest of your life waiting for them? Or are you going to go after them yourself?”

“Jake told me he loved me.” She says. “And I-I” she groans. “I ran away.”

“Do you?” he asks simply and Amy shrugs.

“I don’t know. Probably.”

“Amy.”

“Yes.” She whispers. It’s the first time she’s saying it outloud. She’s been carrying these words like rocks in her pockets. She instantly feels happier, weightless.

“Then what are you doing here?”

“I feel so embarrassed. And I’m scared. What if he leaves me?”

“Then you move on.” Her brother shrugs.

“If only it was so easy.” She takes a sip of her coffee.

“It isn’t but one way or another, it’ll happen.” He says. “Are you really going to put your whole life on pause over a soulmate who left you?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to.” She licks her lips. “I’m tired of waiting.” she says truthfully. “What if he appears when I’m ninety and I wasted my life waiting for him?”

“What if he never returns and you threw away something beautiful waiting for him?”

Amy swallows thickly. That was always one of the possibilities that weighed heavily in her mind. Dying alone and sad over someone that didn’t care about her.

“If I learned anything from Lisa it’s that I wouldn’t change it for the world.” Enrique says.

* * *

His apartment is empty. The little balloon in her stomach deflates. Every single thing that she's been thinking for months is itching to be told. She glances at the clock in his kitchen. There's four hours till he gets home.

She takes a shower, hoping to calm the nerves inside her. Afterwards, she opens one of her drawers, glad to find it still full of her clothes. She changes and brushes her hair. Then she heads to the kitchen, hoping to arrange his drawers to give her something to do.

One of his drawers is filled with old pens, most of them not working and most of them without caps. It takes her ten minutes to clear that drawer out.

She opens another drawer, spots them and crafts a plan.

* * *

His eyes widen comically when he sees her. She knows it’s been hours since they’ve seen one another but she doesn’t realize how much she’s missed him until she sees him. She notices he’s missed a little spot on his cheek shaving again.

He always forgot a spot. He would get distracted with whatever was playing on TV in the other room, leaving that little spot constantly unshaven. She would always feel that little unshaven bit when he kissed her.

She longs to rub her thumb on it.

“Oh, hey." he says. "Did you come for your stuff?" His throat bobs nervously and Amy shakes her head.

"No, I-I wanted to talk to you."

"Talk? About?"

"I-" The words are gone from within her and she shrugs. Jake lets out a little breath, his hands white where they grip his satchel.

"Amy-" he begins, his voice tired. Everything inside Amy freezes, regretting it all. "Look-"

"I think I should go." she says, backing out. She turns towards his room, hoping to get her purse and sneak out before he sees it. She can call him later, when she's gathered her thoughts and when she’s had two hours with her laptop.

Jake follows after her. "Wait, Amy." Amy quickens her steps but Jake's hand grabs her shoulder before she can make it to his room. The door is closed and Amy can see the tiny sliver of glow under the door.

She looks over her shoulder at him, at his wounded eyes and realizes she's being a coward again. How could she leave again in eighteen hours?

How could she think she could spring all of this on him and leave? 

So, she does what she thinks is right. She opens the door to his room. 

Jake's hand drops from her shoulder slowly. He walks ahead of her, into the dark room glowing with stars.

It had taken her almost four hours but she had done it. She had created a galaxy in his room.

The stars above the bed shine. _I love you_ , they spell out. The wall is covered with constellations. One of them, the biggest one, resembles that little cluster of freckles. Amy knows it isn’t an actual constellation but she’s spent so much time tracing it that she knows it as much as she knows the Big Dipper.

He drops his bag on the floor, turning around carefully. His face is filled with wonder and Amy watches animatedly from the door. She closes the door after her and walks towards him. In the dark, the stars shine but they don’t compare to Jake’s eyes.

“Amy.” And just the way that he says her name ignites something in her. He grabs one of her hands, threading their fingers together.

Amy finds herself almost melting onto his floor as she gazes into his eyes.

“Jake.” she replies, everything that she's had bottled up inside her for weeks leaking into her voice. Jake brings the hands that he’s covering to his mouth and kisses her palm. Amy reaches over with her thumb and rubs the spot that she missed earlier.

The stars twinkle above them, screaming Amy's confession.

"You mean it?" his voice is fragile, stretched out by the last eighteen hours.

She remembers the talk she had with her brother and how he told her that he wouldn't change it for the world.

She remembers that hollowness in her chest that she felt during the last few weeks that she tried to stay away from him.She remembers the last hours which had been hell on Earth. She's going to have a hell of a lot to face when her mom finds out. But ,as Jake eagerly awaits her reaction, she knows she won't have to face it alone.

"I've never meant anything more in my entire life."


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the falling

The years pass fast. Amy doesn’t know how but her and Jake have been together for five years and all his clothes now live in her closet. They grow together, melt into one another.

Gina and Rosa move to California after Gina’s video is reposted by Rob Kardashian and she starts getting many business opportunities. Holt and Kevin renew their vows after almost thirty years together.

Gina and Rosa announce their marriage when they’ve been living in California for three years. Their wedding is set in Vegas and Gina appoints Amy as a bridesmaid and Rosa appoints Jake. Amy’s amazed at the hotel that Gina and Rosa are hosting their wedding at and wonders just how much getting re-vined by Rob Kardashian pays.

“Are you two here on your honeymoon?” the hotel employee asks as she types into the computer. They’re checking in for the wedding.

“Ah, no.” Jake answers. “We’re, um, we’re here for the Linetti-Diaz wedding.”

“Oh.” She nods and smiles awkwardly. Jake and Amy avoid looking at one another. Marriage is not something that they had discussed yet. But, obviously, the thought was heavy in their minds. It was unsaid, like children and missing soul mates are. She knew it was unhealthy and they should probably speak about the possibility of either of them finding a soul mate but it hurt too much to even think about.

Jake smiles awkwardly at her when she glances slightly him.

“How crazy was it for that lady to think we were married?” He asks hours later when they’ve showered and Jake is brushing her hair. It’s a nightly tradition and Jake had taken over when they moved in together.

“Super crazy.” she laughs but it sounds hollow. The elephant in the room makes it a little hard to breathe.

“I mean, it’s one thing if we were, you know, soul mates but we aren’t.” he begins. Amy tries to meet his eyes in the reflection of the mirror but he isn’t looking at her.

“Yeah.”

“Plus, what is marriage anyways? A piece of paper?” he continues. “And more debt to add? No, thank you.”

“Yup, that’s, that.” She says, trying to keep the emotion out of her voice. It hurts that Jake had said it out loud. Sure, she’s thought it many times and she knows it to be true but for him to say it so nonchalant drives her a little crazy; makes her sad.

Jake notices the look on her face but doesn’t say anything.

He nods slowly and hands her the hairbrush. He leaves her alone in the restroom and Amy glances at herself in mirror, contemplating. In the last five years that she’s spent with him, there’s been instances in which she has had her doubts and it’s hard not to. With all the pitying looks once they comment that they are not soul mates and the fact that they will never have this, people flying from all over the country to witness them unifying themselves forever.

She braids her hair quickly and walks back into the room, turning the restroom light off. Jake sits in the bed, the TV remote in his hand. He meets her eyes as she walks into the room. She gets into bed with him and melts around him. Then, everything hits her. Amy in a big, poufy dress. Jake dancing with his mom around the lit dance floor. Gina blocking off the dance floor with her peacocky moves.

The kiss they would share. His hand wrapping tight around hers. The idea that they would be each other’s forever.

Jake is still looking at her when she opens her eyes again, his eyes mirroring hers. Both of them saying, _I want it._

* * *

The wedding is more subdued than she thought it was going to be-there’s only three smoke machines, opposed to the six that Gina had first planned for. Gina has three pages’ worth of wedding vows and Rosa says a record breaking thirty words, with six of them being Gina’s name. The reception is beautiful, with lavender decorations and beautiful harp music playing.

“Wow.” Jake says as they walk in. Amy tightens her hand around his, remembering her imaginary wedding to Jake. They find their seats and sit with Holt, Kevin and the rest of the nine-nine.

Charles gets drunk off of strawberry wine and drunkenly starts a thirty-minute rambling speech. Amy gets up to go to the restroom during the twentieth minute and walks back into the reception and watches Terry carry him off the stage. Amy stands in the corner of the room as Holt clears his throat.

It’s his turn to give a toast.

“Emotional toasts do not come easy to me.” Holt begins. “But I do not need to search very deeply to talk about these two wonderful women. They love one another, that much is true.” Holt continues. “Love means lots of things. Love means overcoming all obstacles.” Amy looks over at Jake, already finding his eyes on her. There was a hollowness between them ever since Jake said that thing about marriage last night. She tried to ignore it but now, it shines brightly on his face. “Love means fighting to be together. Love warms you in the coldest of days and fills you in your emptiest.” Jake stands, makes his way over to her. “Love brings you joy in the moments that you need it most. It sustains you.” Holt raises his glass. “To Rosa and Gina.” The reception raises their glass in synchronization and repeat after Holt.

“Hey.” Jake says as he reaches her. The dance floor is opened again as couples begin inhabiting it. They push them towards the door as they dance.

“Hey.” They stare for a moment and then he continues.

“Last night, when I said,” he begins over the harp player playing again. “that marriage was just a piece of paper, I was lying. It’s not. At least with you it wouldn’t be.”

“Jake.” Her eyes begin to fill with tears.

“My parents were soul mates and just look how they turned out. So, I guess, I was a little cautious. Because if they couldn’t make it, even being soul mates, what’s to say that we could? But, honestly, I feel ridiculous for ever doubting anything at all. Holt is right: love is about overcoming obstacles and it’s about growing stronger because you do. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future or whether or not we’ll find our soul mates again but, all I know, is that I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“I love you, too. “ She smiles and threads their fingers together. “I can’t wait to spend the rest of it with you.”

“Maybe we don’t have to.” Jake begins. Amy narrows her eyes, wondering where he’s heading. “I’ve been thinking about it and…well, we _are_ in Vegas.” He says.

“We are.” Her parents are going to kill her if she does this and they’re not there or even in the same state but, she loves him, she really does and, to be honest, her heart is going to beat out of her chest if she doesn’t do this right now.

Their eyes meet, the same thought running through their minds. They speed out of the reception, hands clasped together. She’s giddy with excitement. She laughs as Jake almost trips over his own feet as they run.

“I can’t believe we’re doing this.” she mutters as Jake unlocks the car. Jake smiles at her over the roof. She grins back. When Jake turns on the car and begins to reverse, she sets her hand on his wrist, stopping him. “Wait, should we be doing this?”

“I want to marry you; do you want to marry me?”

Amy can’t keep the smile off of her face. “I want to marry you so bad.”

“Then, that’s it.” he laughs. “That’s all we need.”

“Jake, we don’t even have a ring.” she says, the worry now creeping onto her mind. What if this all fails? What if they’re making a huge mistake? Jake whips out his wallet and behind a crumpled dollar bill, out pops a ring.

Amy’s eyes widen. “It’s my great-grandmother’s ring. She gave it to my mom.” he explains. “Don’t worry, it’s not my parents’ cursed ring.”

“Jake…” she’s speechless. The ring is so beautiful and Amy can see it sparkling on her finger as the years pass. And Jake is thinking the same thing by the way he’s staring at her. “I don’t have a ring for you.” She replies quietly.

“I don’t care. I don’t need a ring.” he says. “I just want to marry you.”

Amy blinks away the tears from her eyes and leans in to kiss him.

“HONK!” a passing car scares them as they stay semi-parked, stopped in the middle of reversing. They giggle and Jake drives forward, parking in the space again.

“Sorry! I’m getting married!” he yells out the window; the passing driver flips him off.

There’s three chapels within a five-mile radius but there’s only one that has a line with less than ten couples. They sign the paperwork and then they’re ordered to sit in the pews and wait for their named to be called out. It’s less romantic than Amy was picturing but she ignores it as she begins to craft her vows in her head.

“My old Hebrew school teacher is probably turning over in her grave.” he mutters to her. Amy scrunches her nose as a girl throws up into her purse.

“So is my Catholic school teacher.” They wait for ten minutes until they’re called out. Amy straightens out her dress and follows Jake towards the front. Nervousness colors his features, and his hand shakes at it reaches over to her. She’s nervous, too but mostly excited.

Sure, the poufy dress that she had envisioned is actually a scratchy bridesmaid’s dress and there’s no harp music playing—instead, Taylor Swift plays over the loudspeakers. But, who is she kidding, Jake was probably going to convince her to dance their first dance to a Taylor song, anyway.

“Rings?” The Fake-Elvis asks. Jake hands over his ring and Amy has a quick idea. She grabs a bobby pin from her heavy up-do and twists it so it somewhat resembles a ring. Jake raises his eyebrows as Amy drops it into Elvis’ hand and she shrugs.

“For now.”

The wedding is quick. They don’t get a chance for those wedding vows. Still, in a miniscule lull, Amy manages to let it some quick words.

“It’s you. It’s always going to be you.” The words are short, almost nothing, but Jake’s eyes glisten as if she’s recited the most ornate poetry. They exchange rings and then Elvis calls them husband and wife. Then, they share their first kiss as a married couple. It doesn’t last as long as she hopes because the Fake-Elvis, in his cheaply made suit, calls for the next couple.

They hold hands all the way home and Amy has a hard time keeping her hands off of him. He kisses her when the light turns red and Amy can hear her heartbeat in her ears. They hardly make it to the hotel, almost crash twice. And as soon as the elevator doors close, he presses her against the wall and kisses her.

His hands shake as he unlocks their room door.

They fall into a mess on the bed. Amy’s partially grossed out at all the possible germs in the bed but when Jake kisses her, it’s all forgotten. She deepens the kiss, drunk off the pink bubbly wine. One of her hands starts undoing his tie.

“Wait.” he mutters and leaves her on the bed. He disappears to the restroom and returns with a towel. Amy grins and stands. He lays it on the bed and Amy flops back onto it.

“Thank you, Mr. Santiago.”

“You’re welcome, Mrs. Peralta.” he replies, impish grin on his face.

“We’ll discuss the name change later, right?” She wraps her arms around his neck, dragging his lips to hers. They kiss for a moment, everything else forgotten. He pulls away, ignoring her groan.

“First one to take off all their clothes gets to keep their own name.” He replies.

“Jake-” she begins, because they are not going to start their marriage--even thinking the words makes her giddy-- with childish things. But, Jake is grinning, his hair now uncombed and wild around his face; Amy remembers why she married him in the first place.

She pushes him off her and starts unzipping her dress. Jake, fumbles with his tie.

Later, when they shower, “their first time as a married couple” Jake keeps reminding her, they order some room service to celebrate.

There’s a knock in the door fifteen minutes later. “Should I open it or should we open it together—our first time as a married couple.” Jake asks from the bed. Amy knows that Jake isn’t going to get over that soon and she’s giddy, glad. She can’t stop thinking about the fact that now they’re bound for life—she ignores that little itch in her brain that reminds her of soul mates.

“Just open it Jake.” He bounces off the bed, grinning in his white robe and opens the door.

“Order for Mr. Santiago?” says the attendant over the door. Jake looks over at her and groans. Amy grins and continues combing her hair.

(She won.)

* * *

Gina is more upset at that fact that they missed her dancing with Rosa, than the fact that they skipped most of her wedding. She’s happy that she, in a roundabout way, dressed Amy. Everyone takes it great, Boyle more than some. Holt even gives them a whole week off so they can honeymoon. They go to Puerto Rico and return tan and full of plantains.

Her parents don’t take it as well as Jake’s mom. Her parents are upset at the fact that they not only got married on a whim, but at the fact that they didn’t tell them until after they returned from the honeymoon.

Her dad conciliates after Jake gives him a bottle of rum that they brought from Puerto Rico. Her mother is a little harder to appease but once she sees just how much Amy’s eyes sparkle as she looks at her new husband, she backs off.

Amy thinks that things are going to be different between them now that they’re married but things are exactly the same. Except, there’s now a ring on her finger and even on Jake’s. (He refused to take off the bobby-pin ring.)

She’s a little restless afterwards, waiting for _something_ to happen. And although she doesn’t want to say it out loud, she knows exactly what she’s waiting for. She’s waiting for the rug to be pulled from under her. She’s waiting for that unapologetic surprise that is going to drop.

Except, it’s been six months since that night in Vegas and nothing has happened. It’s only a year later that she lets herself relax. She focuses on her sergeant’s exam and extinguishes all the bad energy from her life.

She stays up for days at a time, just reading and studying herself crazy. Jake, on the other hand, is extremely busy on a case with Boyle. They’re irritable around each other, both of them pulled thin with their different endeavors. She snaps at him when he leaves the milk out and comes home to it chunky and spoiled. He snaps back when she puts his stuff away in foreign drawers, which she responds is called _organizing_.

The night after a particularly bad fight, a fight that ends with tears and with Jake sleeping on the sofa, she cries quietly in her room. She thinks back to the past six years and wonders if it was even worth it. She wonders if this is _it_ , the other shoe she was waiting to drop.

Amy is so caught up into her thoughts that she doesn’t hear the door creak open. She only feels the tightening of his arms around her. She melts into him.

“I’m sorry.” he mumbles, kissing under her ear.

She remembers what Holt said about love breaking and becoming stronger and she thinks that that she’s never felt as strong as she does when she’s around him.

She passes her sergeant’s exam with the highest score in years. Chief Garmin personally calls her and congratulates her. Amy is extremely happy, all points of her life covered. Her life calendar is almost complete.

There’s still one more blank, however, and that’s a baby. Three months into her new position, she realizes that she’s late. She doesn’t want to startle Jake so she doesn’t say anything and just let’s herself stew in the freak-out by herself. It’s the worst thing she can do. She starts losing weight despite all the stress-eating that she does. After a week of going back and forth, she breaks down and buys the test. She hides it deep in her purse and takes it in a gas station restroom. She urges for a cigarette and glares at the test as she realizes that she can’t smoke.

Instead, she bites her nails down to a stub and stares at the clock.

It’s negative. She sighs in relief and washes her hands three times.

Jake is going over a case when she arrives at home and she kisses his cheek as she takes off her coat.

“I’ve had the craziest week.”

“Oh, yeah? The Vulture driving you insane?” he asks. The Vulture had been working with the nine-nine over the last few weeks over a significant case.

“Well, yeah, but.” She laughs as she looks over the mail on the table. “I feel even silly for saying this, but, I thought I was pregnant.” Jake looks up quickly.

“What?”

“Yeah.” She shakes her head. “I was late and I took a pregnancy test. It was negative.”

“Wait, what? When?”

“I took the test today.” Jake looks confused as she looks at him. Amy feels the beginning of a fight springing and she feels with dread. She’s done something wrong.

“And you didn’t tell me?” he asks. “We’re _married_. We’re supposed to tell each other things like this.”

“I-” Amy struggles with a reply. But the truth is that telling Jake was the farthest thing from her mind. It was wrong and she knows it. “I’m sorry.” she replies. “I was scared.” she replies slowly. “I thought that my whole life was going to be put on pause if I was and I-I didn’t want to make it real.”

Jake hesitates. He still looks annoyed, eyes flecked with disappointment, and Amy realizes that perhaps he isn’t’ only mad at the fact that she didn’t tell him.

“You...wanted me to be pregnant.”

“Yes.” he replies automatically.

“Jake,” she lets out a breath from her lips and Jake looks down at the papers on the table. “I just got promoted. If I got pregnant that means that everything is going to have to be put on hold.”

“I know. I know. I just… don’t you ever want to have kids?” he asks softly.

“I do.” And she does. Before, when she was younger she dreamt of what her kids with her soul mate would look like.

But, now, she knows exactly what they’d look like. They’d have her eyes and his crazy hair. There’d be one girl who followed Jake around at every move and who watched Die Hard diligently with him. The other would follow her closely and listen as she listed crime statistics, as she used to when her father would list them.

“In the future…” she begins but doesn’t finish. Jake nods slowly, knowing how her sentence ends. “But, Jake, you know how risky it would be-”

“I don’t care.” Jake replies automatically. Amy, once again, remembers her brother and her niece. “All I care about is being with you.” he says. Amy smiles.

“I’m sorry for not telling you.” she replies. “That was the first thing I should’ve done. In the future, you will be the first person I tell; not the pharmacy clerk.”

Jake snorts. “I’m behind the pharmacy clerk? Is he the one who almost knocked you up or what?” Amy grins and walks over to him. Jake wraps his arms around her automatically. She closes her eyes as she hugs him.

Her body fills with longing for what’s probably never to come.

* * *

Gina and Rosa adopt a little girl with the greenest eyes that Amy has seen. Gina’s social media profiles are littered with pictures of the baby. Amy doesn’t give babies a second thought ever since that night that she and Jake spoke. Her career is going amazing and she’s right on her plan’s sake.

However, everything changes. 

The two mothers and the new baby move back to Brooklyn. Amy and Jake visit them one quiet afternoon. Amy hasn’t carried a baby in years and she’s nervous. The baby is warm in her arms, and it smells like baby powder. Amy instantly softens. It throws up on Jake as soon as he carries it but that doesn’t erase the huge smile on his face.

They spend hours with the new mothers and the baby. Before leaving, Amy presses her finger to the cheek of the baby and nearly coos when it smiles at her.

Jake drives and sings along loudly to the radio while Amy stares out the window. Sometimes life doesn’t have to go according to plan, she thinks as they arrive home. She glances at her life calendar and admires it for a second before chucking it in the trash. And sometimes she doesn’t want it to.

Amy doesn’t even think twice before she stops taking her birth control. After advising with not only her gynecologist but three of her sisters in laws, she finds out that the pills still work for a short while after she stops taking them.

She doesn’t tell Jake yet, but she knows that he still wants it. He’s first to offer to babysit baby Lulu, Gina and Rosa’s baby. The baby softly adores Amy, her cries quieted by the feel of Amy’s arms around her. They’re watching her sleep when he tells him.

“I stopped taking my birth control pills two months ago.” Jake’s eyes snap to her quickly. Amy is not expecting him to attack her mouth but he does. She manages to pull away as he trips on her feet. “Jake, we can’t. We’re babysitting.”

“We’ll be quiet. Remember that time we stayed at your parents?” He asks, hands roaming all over her. Amy glares at him, her cheeks dashed with red. She all but blocked the fact that they were at her parent’s house that weekend.

Lulu starts crying and Jake drops his hands as Amy moves to pick her up. The baby quiets as Amy cradles her to her chest. Jake is watching with thinly veiled emotion in her eyes. He looks down at the baby and then up at her. “I can’t wait.” He says with a huge grin.

* * *

She sits on the edge of the tub, her fingers anxiously tapping on her thighs. She can hear Jake anxiously pacing in the other room. Nine months of trying. Fifteen tests.

All negative.

At first, they had brushed it off, thinking it had something to do with the birth control pills. But, when two months quickly turned to nine they began to get worried. Even more worried when test number three turned into fifteen. Now, as Amy holds test number sixteen in her hands, she sends a small prayer to the heavens.

Only one more minute to go.

If this one if negative too, it’s going to break her. Her phone starts to ring and Amy silences the alarm immediately.

 _Please_ , she pleads. Jake’s waiting at the door now and his face falls when she shakes her head.

Sixteen.

He follows her back to their room and sits next to her on the bed. There’s a moment of brief silence and then he says, “Maybe we can adopt.”

“Maybe.” She says, not really paying attention. She’s still thinking of how she can never get anything right. Her soul mate left her and now she can’t have a baby. The only good thing for her sits beside her, his warm hand resting on her leg and his caring eyes on her face.

This not only has to be hard for her but for him, too. She kisses him and he smiles softly.

“We can continue trying. We can even start right now.” Amy smiles at his attempt to cheer her up but shakes her head.

“I’m tired of trying. Maybe we just let it be? If it happens, it happens and if it doesn’t…” she finishes her sentence with a shrug and Jake nods, eyes solemn and understanding. Amy’s never been more thankful for him.

“You’re right. If it happens, it happens.”

It doesn’t happen, at least for a while. First, her brother finds his soul mate in his ex wife’s cousin and then Boyle and Genevieve have another baby—this one not adopted. They name him Jacob, after Jake obviously, and make them godparents. Holt stars preparing her for her lieutenants’ exam.

Jake secretly prepares for his sergeants’ one. They both pass and they celebrate at Shaw’s. They get blackout drunk and later stumble into bed.

She wakes up the next morning with a cotton-mouth and the worst hangover in her life. She’s half dressed and Jake snores in her ear. She wakes him up as she goes to the restroom to wash her teeth. He eyes her with bleary eyes as she puts on her glasses.

“Why am I wearing my shirt and jacket but not my bra?” she asks, holding up her lavender bra.

“I think we tried to have sex but fell asleep halfway through.” He answers gravelly.

“God. How drunk were we?”

“I think we might’ve called Linda Baker.”

“No! The one who stole my valedictorian spot?” she groans and sits on the bed, covering her eyes with her bra. How embarrassing.

“I’m pretty sure we bragged for like fifteen minutes straight.”

“God!” she groans and flops down on the bed, feet still planted on the ground. “I’m so embarrassed.”

He doesn’t move from the bed but reaches one hand and pats her head.

“It’s okay, lieutenants don’t cry.”

“Neither do sergeants.” She says. Jake sits up and grins at her.

“We’re pretty accomplished aren’t we?”

“Mhm.”

“Should we go out tonight and celebrate without the three bottles of tequila?”

“No. Let’s stay home and watch cartoons all day like two very accomplished individuals.”

“First, let’s finish what we started last night.” He says as he moves closer to her.

“And I’m already not wearing my bra.”

* * *

Three weeks later, Amy wakes up with the worst nausea she has ever had. She takes a pill and goes to work at her new precinct. But, it doesn’t stop. It continues.

“Maybe it was that chicken from last night.” Jake says as he rubs her back. Amy shakes her head.

“I only had salad.” She closes her eyes. It’s the thirteenth time in the past four weeks that she’s been kneeling over the toilet. Jake had offered to stay behind with her and take care of what they assumed was a bug. But, there's a little spec of hope in Amy's heart that she doesn't' want to scratch at with Jake in the building. She doesn't know what she's going to do if she's wrong and she has to see Jake staring at her with those wide eyes.

So, she tells him to go. He leaves, calling over his shoulder that he'll bring her chicken noodle soup from the deli downtown.

When she's sure he's gone, she creeps over to the cabinet. She pauses, unsure if she really wants to open this can of worms. It's been ten months since Sixteen and Amy still remembers the bitter taste of disappointment.

Still, she grabs the last test, the one hidden inside her tampon box, and opens it. The three minutes are endless and Amy gets deja vu to months before. She closes her eyes and prays.

When she opens them and sees the positive sign, she almost throws up and not from her symptoms.

Amy spends the rest of the day between drafting a letter to Jake, jumping off the walls in excitement and researching every single thing that she can about her pregnancy. (Even thinking the word gives her shivers). She’s a nervous ball of energy when Jake arrives that night, promised soup in his arm. She’s sitting in the sofa, trying to look casual and not trying to look like she spent the last thirty minutes crying and staring at her stomach in the mirror.

“Hey.” he says, closing the door with his foot. He tosses his bag and keys onto the table by the door. “Do you feel better?” He asks, microwaving the soup.

“Mhm.” she says with a nod. She wants to blurt it out but knows of the heart-attack she’d probably cause him and instead just watches him as he takes off his jacket and hangs it on one of the chairs. He smiles awkwardly at her eyes on him.

“What? Do I have something on my face?”

“No.” She replies but she just can’t take it anymore. She walks over to him.

“Come on, tell me truth. Do I really have something on my face?” He wipes at his face; Amy grabs his hand and threads their fingers together. Jake narrows his eyes. “Did you have too much medicine?”

“No.” she grins. “Jake, I wasn’t really sick.” She hopes he gets the hint.

He doesn’t. “Oh, was it cramps?” She sighs but the realization slowly creeps onto his face. It starts with his mouth, jaw going slowly slack, and then finishes with his eyes, who soften and shine. “Really? After two years?” She nods, her own eyes getting misty. It’s been a long, long road.

“I took the test and it was positive. I still need to go the doctor and have her confirm it-”

He doesn’t let her finish and carries her, bringing her around in a circle. Then, he almost drops her, remembering the tiny being living inside her. “Sorry. Are you okay?” he grins widely.

The microphone beeps as the soup steams from inside but it’s unheard as the two idiots stare deeply into each other’s eyes.

The set an appointment for that weekend. They set not to tell the anybody until it’s officially confirmed. The time waiting for the results is grueling but she comes back and tells them that it’s true. Jake grasps her hand tightly.

“Do you know how far along I am?”

“Seven weeks. You’re still in the danger zone, at least for a week more.” She says. Amy nods. Almost two months with the little being inside of her and she had no clue. “Do you want to see it?”

The doctor makes her lie down and slathers a cold jelly on her stomach. And then, there it is. It looks like a peanut but what was she expecting? A fully formed baby? She glances over at Jake, who is staring intently at the screen.

“It’s too early to know the sex.” The doctor says. “But give it a few weeks.”

The little being in the computer screen moves around and Amy can’t believe it’s real. Almost two years wishing and praying for it and now here it is, finally. It’s surreal.

“I can’t believe this is real.” Jake murmurs, eyes glued to the screen. Neither can she.

* * *

"Or Lucia." Amy says as the elevator whirs.

"Mm...Nakatomi?" he asks nonchalantly, as if Amy hasn't seen Die Hard with him a million times.

"No Die Hard names." Jake groans but his smile doesn't fade. He's been wearing that smile they left the doctor’s office. The elevator doors open and they begin walking towards their apartment. Jake wraps his arm around her waist, fingertips reaching over to her stomach. She's not showing and she won't for a few months but that doesn't stop Jake for pressing his hand on her stomach at every chance he gets.

"What about Ophelia?"

"I like it." she nods. "Erica?"

He scrunches his nose. "There was a girl named Erica in my high school and she ripped off my nose ring once."

Amy laughs. As they turn the corner, they notice a man standing outside their apartment. He's about Jake's height with blonde hair and dark brown eyes. He's leaning against the door, tapping his foot impatiently.

“Who’s that?”

“I don’t know.” She answers truthfully. The man notices them and he straightens, smiles widely.

“Amy Santiago?” he asks and Amy nods slowly. Jake’s hand on her hip tightens. “I-I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Amy’s entire soul freezes. “Amy,” he says, smiling. “It’s me.”

* * *

_my voice it made an avalanche and buried a man i never knew / and when he died his widowed bride met your daddy and they made you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long break between chapters. Things have been super crazy at home. I'm very nervous posting this and I am also very sorry. However, who didn't see this coming? Please scream at me in the comments.


	4. the end

When Amy was younger, someone told her that it takes two seconds for something to sink in, for you to react to something. The fall of the back of a bus won’t be registered until two seconds later, when your head hits the concrete and it was all too late.

Now, as Amy stands next to her husband and in front of her supposed-soul mate, she feels like she needs more than two seconds and also like it _is_ too late.

She thinks that maybe she needs half a century or a full one. She’d give anything to have these last ten seconds back. She’d tell Jake they could run away, just them two and the little bean in her stomach. They could go to Paris, like they’d always wanted. Or they could go to Florida, that swamptown of a state. Anywhere, everywhere, to get away from here.

At the thought of this, she looks at Jake, who’s staring intently at the door, his eyes lost. She thinks he needs more than two seconds, too.This man, her soulmate, is smiling. 

He doesn’t look shaken up, of course not, his life is not the one that’s getting unraveled.

“I…” she trails off, uncertain where to begin. The man shakes his head, smile still not gone.

“Sorry, I guess I should introduce myself.” He holds his hand out. She hesitantly shakes it, it’s soft in hers. “I’m Adam. Adam Goodman.”

“Amy Santiago.” she turns over to Jake, who’s looking like he’s going to throw up. “This is Jake, my husband.” Jake smiles a quasi-smile, falling like crumbling bridge a mere half-second later.

Adam’s eyes widen and he laughs a cough-like laugh. One of his hands scratch his beard in uncomfortableness. Amy reaches for Jake’s hand, holds his limp fingers tight in her fist. Jake’s hand touches her stomach again lightly. It’s a small touch but it reminds her that he’s here and it comforts her.

Adam notices the position of Jake’s hand and he drops his hand from his face, face going a little stormy.

“I guess we have a lot to catch up on, huh?”

* * *

She stares at Adam now, trying to find that feeling that made Lisa leave her brother. That feeling that made her leave him and her newborn daughter. She doesn’t find it. Can’t find it.

The coffee on the table sits untouched, cold now. She’d only made it to have something to do. She only made it to calm down her shaking hands, hands that sit on her lap now, clasped tightly together, like she’s praying.

Jake sits to her right, still in that quiet mood, not speaking one word. Not while she made the coffee and not while they stare at one another in the quiet of the room.

Adam clears his throat, the veil of quiet quickly dissipates.

“So, I guess I’ll start.” he laughs awkwardly. “I run an art gallery in Manhattan and I have a dog named Leo.” he says. Amy doesn’t speak. Neither does Jake. Adam fills the silence. “And you’re an officer, I’m guessing.” At her confused look, he motions towards a framed picture of her and Jake in their uniform.

“Lieutenant.” she says, throat dry. “We’re detectives.” she emphasizes _we’re_. _We’re_ a couple; _we’re_ together; _we’re_ the people whose lives you’re unraveling. Adam notices because he clenches his jaw slightly. She doesn’t know what he was expecting. A welcome parade? For her to pack up her bags and bid sweet farewell to Jake?

“Right.” he says a little bitterly.

Amy yearns to reach over for Jake’s hand but his arms are crossed, in displeasure or maybe in denial. Amy figures it’s both.

“How far along are you?” Amy and Jake exchange looks. 

Amy hesitates, staring down at her hands as she answers. “About two months.” The sonogram lies in her purse now, forgotten. All good mood from the news abandoned.

“Are you craving anything?” he asks. “My sister used to crave strawberries like crazy when she-” 

“Amy hates strawberries.” It’s the first words that Jake has spoken since Adam has appeared and Amy jumps a little at the sound of his voice.

“Oh, I-” Adam blinks and nods. “Right. I guess there’s a lot about you that I have to know, huh?”

“She’s also allergic to dogs.” Jake says again.

Once again, Adam nods along. He waits for Jake to say something else but Jake’s quiet again, retreating into himself.

The phone ringing breaks them out of their reverie and Amy almost leaps up to answer it, leaving Jake and Adam in the living room. It’s Holt. He explains that he needs them in the precinct, a high-ranking officer’s daughter has been kidnapped. Amy hates that she’s glad for the interruption. 

“Jake, we need to go.” she says, already buttoning up her coat. “It’s an emergency.”

“Okay.” he says, relief clouding his eyes. Adam jumps up and follows after them as Jake buttons up his coat, grabs his badge.

“Wait, can we meet again?” he asks. Amy and Jake stop in their tracks. She glances over at him and his face betrays no emotion. As a matter of fact, he’s waiting for her answer, too.

“I don’t know.” she answers truthfully. Jake’s eyes darken and he grabs the keys. Amy regrets her words. Adam follows them out to the hallway and Jake locks the door behind them. As they walk towards the elevator Adam calls out, “I’ll see you around.”

* * *

They tell the squad about the baby after they find the kidnapped daughter, a week later. Boyle faints and Holt offers them thirty books about raising a kid. They all notice the chasm-like gap between them but don’t mention it. They don’t tell them about Adam.

Jake remains distant.

* * *

She doesn’t see Adam again for three weeks. Then, he stops by.

It’s when Amy’s on her day off and Jake’s at his mom’s. She knows he’s probably telling her about Adam and she yearns to be with him but she understands that he needs to be alone.

She‘s tried talk to him about Adam but Jake would always change the subject. He’d always say he had some work to do and then lock himself in the spare room. 

The chasm had grown wider.

The knock on the door startles her and she drops her work, opening the door.

“Adam.” she says in greeting, her stomach churning. She’d almost forgotten about him, but here he is now, still wearing that smile from the first day.

“Amy, I hope you don’t mind that I stopped by.” he says, stepping around her despite her not letting him in.

“I-” she trails off, not wanting to lie because, yes, she does mind this. Jake is not going to take it well if he finds Adam in their apartment. Despite this, she closes the door and Adam makes himself at home by sitting on the sofa. Amy remains by the door, in case she has to make a quick escape.”What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see how you were doing.” he shrugs. “Talk. I know we didn’t do a lot of that the last time I was here, so…” he trails off.

“Yeah, there’s a reason for that.” she says, her voice strong. “I’m married Adam, and I don’t plan on leaving Jake.” Adam doesn’t respond. “I don’t even know how you found me.”

“The “Find your Soulmate” service.” he answers and Amy remembers signing up at Kylie’s insistence.

“That was over ten years ago.” she says and shakes her head. 

“I didn’t apply until a few years later.” he says. “And by then, you had moved out of the address provided on the service.”

Amy sighs. Adam’s still watching her like he’s expecting something from her. Amy’s skin itches.

She wants Jake here to dull it. 

Adam licks his lips and says, “I’m sorry for leaving, I really am but I was young and scared-”

When she was younger, she used to beat herself up wondering why he left but now, she doesn't really care. It stopped mattering a long time ago and now, it's the least of her worries. 

“I’m sorry but I think it’s best if you leave.” she interrupts, the words leaving like arrows out of her mouth. She doesn’t mean to sound so harsh about it but she can’t take the words back. Doesn’t want to, anyway. 

Adam clenches his jaw but nods in understanding, and stands. Amy holds the door open for him and as he leaves, he pauses. Amy stiffens.

“We’re soulmates. We belong together. No matter how much you fight it, we’re two halves of a heart.” Amy swallows the cherry pit in her throat and nods towards the open door.

“Go.”

* * *

When Jake arrives later that night, she’s going over some files, Adam’s words still repeating in her brain. Are they really meant to be one whole being? Is that all she is? Some incomplete human only to be completed by a man who the universe says she’s _supposed_ to love?

No. She’s already completed. Jake completes her.

He kisses her cheek hello and grabs a glass of water. Amy hesitates, not wanting to tell him but knowing that if she keeps this from him it will bite her in the ass later.

“Adam was here earlier.” Jake’s back stiffens in displeasure. “I didn’t call him or anything. He just stopped by.”

“And?” he asks after a second, tossing the rest of the water down the sink.

“I told him to leave.” she says. 

She can’t see his face but she can tell he’s uncomfortable and she regrets talking about it. She’s opened up the chasm even wider. They’re both going to fall in. 

The apartment is quiet, as it usually is now, and Amy closes her eyes in despair. This is why she’s always hated surprises. 

“I think it’s best if I go to my mom’s house.” he says after a second, startling her. Amy stands, heart at her throat. He wants to go to his mom’s? _Now_? Now when she stands at the edge of the chasm? 

Now that she’s sure they’re falling in?

“No, why?” she stutters, stumbling over her words. “That’s insane, Jake.” He sighs and when he meets her eyes, Amy can see that his mind has been made up for a while now. It kills her to think that that was probably what he was talking to his mom about today. It kills her to know that it was exactly what he was doing.

“For me. I think…” he pauses, quietly closes his eyes. Amy’s heart shatters. “I think it would be a good option for me. Give us some time to think.”

“Think about what?” she says, her voice rising as she speaks. “There’s nothing to think about. We’re _married_ , Jake.”

“And he’s your soulmate, Amy!’ he nearly shouts and Amy jumps, hand going to her stomach automatically. Jake’s eyes tighten and he hold his hands palms up, like he’s pleading. “Please.”

“Okay.” she says after a moment. “Okay.”

* * *

She sits in the living room as he puts his seven years with her into a small black suitcase. She watches him leave, taking half of her heart with him.

* * *

They avoid each other at the precinct, like a moth does to light. She doesn’t know if she’s the moth that’s doing the avoiding or the light. All she knows is that she really craves a cigarette but can’t smoke, so her nails are now bitten to stubs.

Rosa calls her three weeks after he’s left and let’s Amy blubber on the phone. She comes over with three pizzas and a basket of wings. Amy tells her about Adam.

“I know.” Rosa says easily, polishing off another slice. “Jake told me.”

Amy sighs. “It was my dumb fault he left. I shouldn’t have said anything about Adam stopping over. We should’ve gone to France when we had the chance.”

Rosa hesitates and Amy asks, “What?”

“Amy, Jake’s transferring to the 78 next week.” 

Amy closes her eyes. She had anticipated this for a few weeks. After quiet meetings with Holt and instance after instance in which he avoided her. She was the light, she knew that now.

She knows that this is the best thing for him and she knows why this is happening but she wishes that it wasn’t. She wishes that the last weeks hadn’t happened. However, they did and she receives another reminder.

It comes in a form of a knock at the door. Amy and Rosa meet each other’s eyes and Amy sighs, stands. It’s Adam.

“Hi.” he says, smiling. She wonders how his cheeks don’t burst with how much smiling he does.

“Adam.” Amy says, unable to keep the sigh out of her voice. His eyes tighten as he looks over her shoulder at Rosa looming behind her.

“Hello..” he trails off and Rosa crosses her arms, eyes narrowed. She doesn’t offer a real greeting apart from a nod. Despite this, Adam clears his throat and keeps smiling. “So, we haven’t really talked.”

“Yeah, we haven’t.” she says, offering no explanation.

“Right, well, i just wanted to see how you were doing.” he clears his throat. “You know, with the baby and all.”

“Oh, um, I’m fine.” she says, not moving or signaling for him to come in.

He nods slowly and clears his throat again. “Well, I guess I should be going.”

“Yeah.”

Adam nods, tries to say something, but turns around and then leaves.

When he’s gone, Rosa turns to her and says, “There’s something off about him. I just don’t know what.”

* * *

She hits her second trimester, her stomach now slowly bubbling out of her shirts. She doesn’t see Jake for a two weeks but he frequently texts her about her baby, wanting to know how she’s doing. She keeps the texts brief and professional, knowing that’s what’s best for him. Knowing that this is what he wants but it is not what she wants. She yearns to confess everything in those texts, yearns to tell him to return to her and their baby. They hadn’t talked about the big “D” word. Divorce. But she knew if things continued as they did, it was imminent. 

She buries that deep inside her.

He surprises her at her next appointment, plopping down beside her and making her look up from her crossword. He looks the same but what was she thinking was going to change in a few weeks? The treacherous pleading words are lodged in her throat but she swallows them down. She simply nods as hello and tries and fails to finish her crossword.

The gel is cold in her stomach and the buzzing of bees in her brain quiets down at the sound of the heartbeat. Even Jake draws closer, eyes wide at the image of the little human. The baby's heartbeat is a symphony and Amy closes her eyes and drowns in it. 

_Thud_. _Thud._ _Thud_.

Jake offers her a ride home and Amy accepts. It’s quiet and separate copies of the sonogram lie in each of their pockets. She has so much she wants to say but instead she stares at the passing buildings. 

When they get to her apartment, the words she’s been trying to contain leak out of her. 

“You should move back in.” 

He sighs, eyes closing and his back hunching over. 

“I think it’s about time. You’ve done your thinking and-”

“Amy-”

“Jake, this whole thing is silly! I didn’t ask you to leave. I’m not dating Adam-”

“Amy!”

Still, she soldiers on. Her phone’s ringing, driving her crazy and she ignores Rosa’s call.

“I just don’t think you should’ve-”

“Amy,” the naked desperation in his voice makes her stop talking automatically. “If my soulmate appeared again, would you do the same for me?” Amy hesitates, the words lodged in her throat. Jake staring at her for her answer.

Would she? Would she leave the man she’s loved for seven years because his soulmate had appeared again? Yes, a million times yes.

So, that’s why she gets off the car and doesn’t look back as she gets into her apartment. When the door closes behind her is when she allows herself to cry.

* * *

Amy fixes her hair for the sixth time the next night, irritation making her itchy. She groans and lets her hair fall limply again. What does it even matter? It’s just dinner with her soulmate. Is he really gonna care that she’s wearing sandals because her feet no longer fit into her favorite high-heels? No, because it’s his literal job to be in love with her. It’s literally in his name.

Still, Amy really wanted to wear the shoes. She glares down at her stomach but her eyes soften and she rubs her belly. It’s not this baby’s fault. And okay the baby does kick it’s mother an inconsiderate amount. But these kicks, despite how much they don’t let her sleep, remind her of the love she shares with Jake. Because, soulmate or not, she still loves him and just because she agreed to _one_ dinner with Adam doesn’t mean she’s forgotten him.

He still has her last name. He still has half her heart in his hands.

The knock on her startles her and she grabs her purse and phone. She opens the door and there he stands, Adam. 

She doesn't notice it until thirty minutes into the dinner that Rosa is right, there is something odd about him. Like Rosa, she isn’t exactly sure what it is but there’s a quiet desperation about him, something that sits below his skin and aches to get out. How he agrees to everything she says, even things he’d first disagreed about. Or that ever present smile on his face.

It unnerves her a bit.

* * *

Rosa calls her as she’s opening her apartment door later and Amy remembers ignoring her call the day before. 

“Thanks for the call back.” Rosa says as greeting, her voice leaking annoyance.

“Yeah, sorry, I’ve been really busy.” she sets her purse down and rubs her face, not caring about her makeup smudging. Her little baby kicks and she presses her palm against the little foot. It kicks again. 

“I found out why he’s so weird.”

“Hmm, who?” The baby kicks again and Amy winces as she sits. She lets out a soft groan and kicks off her shoes, glad her heels didn’t fit now.

“Adam.”

“Right. What’s going on? Please don’t tell me he’s an ex-con.”

“No, Amy.” Rosa hesitates and Amy sobers some, the news have to be big is Rosa is being this serious. “Amy, remember last year when we had to seal off the highway because of that big accident?”

“Yes, three people died. A mother and two kids.” she remembers it like it was yesterday because it was everywhere. _Drunk driver kills mother, daughter and six month old son_.

“That was his family, Amy.” Rosa says. “Those were his kids. That was his wife.”

It all makes sense then.

* * *

Adam comes over the next day and Amy doesn’t open the door. She feels bad after knowing his past but knows she can’t face him. What is she to say to him? _I’m sorry you lost your wife. I hope I’m not a replacement for her._

She doesn’t know why she watches him from the window.

She watches as he stands outside for a beat more and then turns. He stops at the corner, waits as the light changes, and as the sun beams above him, she sees it.

The sorrow, the grief, all those horrible things that beat their enormous fist through his shape of a person. She wonders how he breathes with that enormous piece missing.

The light changes and he walks; she loses track of him in the crowd.

Amy stands at the window for two more hours, wonders how she could’ve missed it.

Adam calls the next day and she lets it ring until it hits voicemail. 

“Amy,” he begins. Amy stands over the recorder. “I hope you’re okay.” he clears his throat. “Anyway, that’s it.”

* * *

He finds her as she’s leaving the grocery store. She’s managed to avoid him for two weeks but now, as she sees the grief, her heart weighs heavy. 

She agrees to weekly coffees but nothing else. She hadn’t asked about his past, didn’t have the courage to.The grief in his eyes shone brighter now that she was showing more and Amy felt bad for his lost children.

* * *

“So, you’re getting bigger.” Jake’s mom says as she sets the plates down. She stopped by on surprise but Amy knows that Jake probably sent her. Most likely to check on her and the baby. She hadn’t seen him since the last appointment two weeks prior. The due date was closer now, making it real in her eyes now, scaring her a bit. She wasn’t sure what was to happen when the baby was born. Were they going to raise the baby in separation? What was going to happen to them and the baby?

Her stomach now a bulbous thing, like an extra limb, and it kicked like one, too. They’d both silently agreed to wait to find out the sex in the beginning but now Amy wants to know.

She’s tired of unexpected surprises.

“Yes, I have my own center of gravity now.” she says, cutting the lettuce. Jake’s mom laughs, rolls her eyes.

“Oh, please, I was two thirds bigger than you when I had Jake.” she says. 

“Speaking of Jake, how’s he been?” she asks casually. The communication between them had just stayed casual. He didn’t know about Adam or about his past. She told Rosa not to tell him, she still didn’t know what to do with the information. 

Jake’s mom sighs and shakes her head as she starts serving. “What can I say? He’s...adjusting, I guess.”

Amy nods, remembering the slight unshaven look he had at her latest appointment. She knew they were getting overworked at 78. So was the 99 but Holt had put her on desk duty now that her stomach didn’t let her see her shoes. She and Hitchcock sometimes got lunch together. (They had the same cravings.)

“Yeah.” A beat of silence. She wants to ask more but instead just cuts the lettuce. Jake’s mom bites her lip and eyes her with worried eyes.

“I know, you’re both going through a hard time but this is...harder for him, Amy.”

“How, so?” her voice is a little venomous and she winces, apologizes with her eyes. His mom shrugs his off with a shake of her head and washes her hands. 

She stares at Amy a moment later and says, “Did he ever tell you about his soulmate?”

“No.” 

Jake’s mom hesitates and then shakes her head. “Ask him about it and then you’ll understand why he left and why he’s taking it so hard.”

* * *

That night, after Jake’s mom leaves, she gets a message from Jake. It’s their weekly update text.

 _Eggplant,_ it reads _, they’re the size of an eggplant this week_.

Amy smiles in her quiet apartment and hesitates but presses call. He answers in the first ring.

“Hey, is everything okay?” his voice is hurried, clouded with worry and Amy tries to fix it.

“Yeah, sorry, I-I didn’t mean to worry you.”

There’s a beat of silence. Amy regrets calling for a second.

“Eggplant.” he says after a second. “It’s about as big as an eggplant.”

“Yeah, well an eggplant doesn’t kick as much as he does.” As if to prove her point, the baby kicks again and Amy winces, presses her hand down.

“He?” he asks, hoarsely.

“No, I don’t know. I’m just guessing.”

“We need to start thinking of names soon.” he says. “I vote for John.”

“After John McClane?” she asks with a teasing lilt.

“Obviously.” 

“Mhm.” she says, settling down on the sofa.

“He’ll have a presidential name, Amy.”

“Jake, John McClane was never a president.”

“Says you.” he snorts and Amy rolls her eyes, glad they’re quietly debating again. “Anyway, it’s not like you’d know. You always fell asleep watching them.”

“No, I didn’t.” she argues.

“Yes, you did.” he says and Amy can see the grin on his face. She closes her eyes, savoring the moment. It’s been a long time since Jake has teased her or since she’s felt this light.

“Nope.” she argues back. 

“Okay, what happens in the fourth one?”

“Easy. He fights some bad guys and wins."

He pauses and then says, “You got lucky there.” She laughs, rolling her eyes. 

Then, she’s sure. She’s got to fight for him. She’s going to confront Adam, she’s going to tell him that she’s not a replacement.

She’s going to get Jake back.

* * *

The next time she sees Adam is a week later. She misses their coffee date on purpose, knowing that he’d bring the coffee over to her.

The little eggplant in her stomach doesn’t stop kicking. She thinks it’s going to kick itself out of her and she isn’t keen of the idea.

She’s sitting in her sofa waiting for him. And she’s ready, ready to confront him about his wife and his two kids. Ready to look him in the face and say, _I love Jake Santiago Peralta and I don’t care if you’re the person the Universe says I should be with. I love him with all my heart and we’re having a baby together. And he took my name after letting me win a_ “Who Can Get Naked Faster First?” _contest. So I know he loves me with all of his heart because Jake doesn't let anybody beat him._

The knock of her door doesn’t surprise her. 

“Hey,” she says and opens the door to him. The eggplant kicks again and Amy presses her palm to calm it down. It kicks harder. 

“Hey. I know you couldn’t make the coffee shop so i brought the shop to you.” he says as he hands her the cup marked ‘decaf’ to her, walking in.

“Thanks.” she says. 

He motions towards her stomach. “You’re having a girl.” 

“What?”

“It’s rounder. There’s an old superstition that if you’re stomach is rounder, you’re going to be having a girl.”

“How do you know that?”

He pauses, face sobering and says. “My mother was a midwife.” He’s lying, she knows. He walks towards the kitchen.

“Adam, did you have a family before this?” he stops and looks over his shoulder at her.

“What?”

“Yeah, did you ever have kids?”

“I...don’t understand the question.” he says slowly, face draining.

“I know about them.” she says quietly. Adam stands in the middle of the room, hands limply at his side. “I was on site when they were found. I was part of the team that closed the highway.”

He closes his eyes in defeat and when he opens them the grief is naked in them. “Their names were Alice and Jason. My wife’s name was Elaine. Elly for short.” There isn’t a drop of happiness in him. Sorrow owns him and covers him like a fog. The blanket has been raised off of him now and Amy can finally see him for who he really is.

“I’m sorry that happened to you.” she says sincerely.

“They were the best thing in my life.” 

Amy nods along.

“I’m sorry, too.” he says after a second and Amy raises her eyebrows, unsure to what he means. “I’ve known about you for years. The letter arrived a long time ago and I never had the courage to look you up. I did it after Elly and I got married. You and Jake were together and Alice had just been born. So, I stayed away, knowing it’d be for the best.” Amy blinks, trying to make sense of it all. “But, then,” he licks his lips. “ _it_ happened and I was all alone. I didn’t know what to do with myself and I looked for that letter, scoured every inch of my abandoned home until I found it.”

“Adam-” 

“I thought you’d be able to fix me. I thought that this soulmate mumbo jumbo would be fix the empty hole in my heart, but...it’s not.” he says quietly.

Amy’s heart yearns for him, understanding but there’s some anger in her heart. She knows she should be more angry at the fact that he’s ruined her life. However, she’s sure she’d do the same thing if Jake and little Eggplant died. She’d scour till the end of the world to find someone or something to fill that hole with. She wouldn’t care that they had happiness of their own. 

Grief knows no bounds and knows no truth.

“I think it’s best if we don’t see eachother anymore.” she says slowly, tears falling down her face. “You and I know I haven’t and I never will fill the void.” Adam nods, his own eyes teary. 

Amy knows there’s a long road ahead of him. She knows he’ll never get over their deaths but for his sake, she hopes he finds someone that makes it easier for him to live.

She knows that it’s not her.

Before he leaves, he says, “I’m sorry for disrupting your happiness.” Amy rubs her stomach, Eggplant quiet.

That’s the last time Amy sees him.

* * *

“Tell me about her.” It’s three in the morning, and Adam’s confession still repeats in her brain but she needs answers. She needs to fix everything that’s ruptured. Jake knows why she’s here, and looks awake despite it being early in the morning and despite her bursting into his mother’s house like she owns the damn place. “Tell me about your soulmate.”

“Her name was Jenny.” he says quietly, his hair like a hurricane around his face.

Eggplant kicks and Amy quiets her with a press of her palm. Jake’s eyes draw to her stomach.

“Jenny Gildenhorn. We grew up together. She was my best friend’s little sister; she’d follow us and ask to use our firetruck with her pigtails trailing after her. She moved away when she was fifteen, a week before my eighteenth birthday.” He sits up, looks up at her with dark eyes as he continues talking. Amy plops down beside him. His hands twitch as they yearn to touch her stomach. “It happened on her twenty-second birthday. Her brother, Seth, invited me to her party because we hadn’t seen each other in a while. She begged me to leave with tears in her eyes after it happened.” he pauses and sighs. “She was pregnant. She had gotten together with a Single, whose soul mate had died in a plane crash.”

Amy nods, trying to picture a twenty two year old Jenny begging him to leave. A young Jake tripping over his shoes as he left. The tortuous repeat as once again, he left. This time, the child his. This time, him leaving without her asking, fearing the look in her eyes that showed in Jenny’s. The tears, the pregnant belly and the urgent plea to stay away. 

“Soulmates aren’t just lovers, you know?” she says softly, remembering Adam and the storm of grief surrounding him. There wasn’t enough bandages in the world to fix that giant, gaping hole in his heart. 

“Yeah.” he sighs, one of his hands touching her wrist lightly, testing the waters. She turns her palm over and threads their fingers together. “I loved her instantly, I understood how Lisa left your brother.” He says. “But…I couldn’t do that to Jenny. I couldn’t.” he shakes his head. “So, I left. I told her I would stay away and I did.” he shakes his head, correcting himself. “I have. I haven’t seen her since her birthday.”

The little eggplant in her stomach kicks and she holds his hand to her stomach. “Feel.” he closes his eyes, losing himself in the tiny feels of their child. “It doesn’t stop kicking.”

“I didn’t think I’d ever love again." he says softly. “but you’re real. _They’re_ real.” he says, motioning toward her stomach. “And sometimes it felt like a dream, how lucky I was. I was waiting to be woken up but you’re really real and I always thought maybe I had done something right in a past life to have you. Then, Adam came and well…” he trails off.

Amy kisses his cheek, closes her eyes and leans her head on his shoulder.

“Adam’s gone. He left for good.” she says and Jake sighs in relief, hand pressing tighter against her stomach. “I think you might need some more time.” she says and he tries to argue but she kisses him for the first time in months. “Don’t argue with me. I know you’re hurt because this reminded you of Jenny. I know you need some time to adjust again.”

“I don’t want to be away from you again.”

“You won’t.” she says, holding his face in her hands. “I promise.” she kisses him again because she’s missed the feel of his lips against hers.

“Why did he leave?” he asks quietly. Amy sighs, remembering his sorrow-filled face.

“He couldn’t fill the void.” she doesn’t mention whether it’s hers or his but Jake nods, understanding without words. He kisses her once, lightly.

“Stay.” he says.

“Okay.” she nods.

It’s hard to fit into Jake’s tiny bed, especially with Eggplant taking up most of the bed but they manage. Jake doesn’t take his hand off her stomach for the rest of the night.

For the first time in months, Eggplant lets her sleep without a single kick.

* * *

She doesn’t want to push him back with her, understanding now that she knew the whole story. They go out to dinner once a week and talk nightly on the phone. It’s weeks later when she invites him up to her apartment.

“Oh, are you inviting me up for a _nightcap_?” he raises his eyebrows suggestively and her heart floats. She’s missed this so much.

“Jake,” she says evenly. “I’m eight months pregnant. I want to eat ice cream in bed and watch Jeopardy.”

The grin doesn’t leave his face. “My kind of night.”

Jake slowly moves back in, his half of the closet back to its messy state and his toothbrush in their shared bathroom. His childhood bedroom goes back to being abandoned.

A few weeks before her due date they talk about Jenny again, about what’s to happen if she returns. Jake confesses that Seth called him with updates about her every so often, the last one being about nine years ago. She had just given birth to her third child and was about to start her doctorate back then.

“I stopped asking after that.” he says and holds her hand tightly in his. “She’s not coming back. She’s happy.” he says and kisses her palm lightly, like a butterfly’s kiss. “But not happier than me.”

“Us.” she corrects.

* * *

Baby Ariana is born on a Tuesday. Jake is out getting donuts and returns to a crying Amy sitting on the sofa. He freaks out, dropping the box automatically.

“Jake! You’re going to stain the rug.” she motions to the jelly smeared on the floor between pants. She thinks she’s going to split in two. Eggplant? The baby feels like the size of a damn skyscraper.

“I always hated that rug.” he says, kneeling beside her on the sofa. His eyes are huge, zipping around her in a worried manner. 

“Me, too.” she says and Jake smiles for a mere second before Amy squeezes his shoulder as another wave hits her. He grimaces along with her. 

“Okay, let’s get you to the hospital.”

Ariana comes out kicking, just like Amy knew she would. Despite her swollen face, Amy can see more of Jake in her than of herself and it fills her with beams of happiness in her drug-addled state. Jake carries Ariana around her room and only puts her down when Amy has to feed her or when the nurse comes to check on her.

“I want her to know the truth.” Amy says when Ariana is sleeping in her bed.“About Jenny and about Adam. She deserves to know that there are other options.” 

Ariana cries in her little bed, her mouth puckering up in displeasure. It’s as if she knows they’re talking about her and wants to state her case. Jake picks her up automatically and she quiets down in his arms, as she always does. Amy knows that he’s going to spoil her rotten and who is she kidding, she is, too.

“When she gets older, we’ll tell her everything. Let her know she has a choice.” He says and nuzzles his face to Ariana. Her little fists grab onto a piece of his hair and Amy’s heart melts.

Her family. The family she didn’t think was ever possible. The family she loves and the family that she fought so much for. 

The family who had gone against what the Universe had prepared for her. 

Jake grins when Ariana lets his hair go. He holds her up against his face, comparing her to him. She's a direct copy, she can already tell. “She’s going to have my hair.”

“Poor girl.” Amy says and Jake grins even wider, threatening his face to split in half. 

Amy wants to take 21 year old Amy into her arms and say, “Forget the Universe. You are going to find something better than what the stars have planned for you. A person who loves you unapologetically and a daughter who will mean everything to you.”

Jake hugs Ariana closer and Amy can see the glow of her half-heart sewn in with his. She can feel his in hers, too. Like patchwork. She’s floating with happiness. It’s love, it’s pure bliss.

It’s probably the drugs.

(Quite honestly, it's love. Pure love.) 

* * *

_I have only one thing to do and that's/To be the wave that I am and then/Sink back into the ocean_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm sorry this took four months to post. I've had a pretty horrid summer and have only started writing again three weeks ago. I hope you enjoyed this fic! Let me know what you thought in the comments.
> 
>  
> 
> [my under construction Tumblr](http://www.idlewheelposts.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> hello! welcome to this _thing_ that has occupied my life for the past two weeks. this is partly inspired by a line from container by fiona apple. also, whenever i read soulmate aus i wondered what happened to the ones whose soulmates died and/or didn't want them. i'm almost done with all of it (something so out of character for me) so you won't have to wait long for it.


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